I don’t know if you guys knew this, but men and women are different. I’m the first comedian to notice this, I am probably going to be rich. Rather than point out obvious stuff, I thought I would relay some conversations I’ve had with my better half.
“I’m fat.” You’re not fat, you’re pregnant. (2 days later) “I feel fat.” You’re not fat, you have a human being inside your body. You will get bigger, it’s science. (3 days later) “I’m fat.” OK, (roll eyes), you’re fat. “You called me fat, you asshole!”
Hey, my buddy is running a half marathon. He wants me to run. “You can’t run a half marathon.” I’ll bet I could. “What are you eating right now?” Um. A Reeseter’s Bunny chocolate rabbit, washed down with a beer. OK, you’re right.
I heard babies like music, I want to sing to the baby. “Oh God, no.” I’ll bet my baby will like metal like me. “Definitely not.” I should sing to the baby into your stomach. “No.” Come on, I’m a doctor. “No, you are not. If you’re a doctor, what is your medical field?” Freedom. “That’s not a medical field.” That’s what someone who doesn’t like freedom would say.