I know less about how babies are born than a five year old who thinks a stork is involved. Actually, I’m lying, I used to know less. Then I went to birthing class. That is one way to make you not want to make humans.
First off, they had a lot of charts. This one showed me that apparently women don’t like it when a baby rips through their nether region.
And to think, I thought it was pleasant as pie.
I learned about mucus plugs, cervical effacement, and water breaking. Oh, if it’s green, that means baby just dropped a hot deuce! Fun! Speaking of that, loose stool is an indicator that the baby is coming soon. I think I’ve been expecting since 1998, if that’s the case.
The teacher said she wouldn’t keep us too long, she had delivered a lot of babies that day. “Maybe you’ll deliver one tonight!” None of the pregnant ladies or the nurse found it as funny as I did. The humor quickly declined after she started the C section video. One guy groaned like he just got kicked in the balls. I’ll bet he’s not going be a good coach. That’s what they call the non-pregnant person. A coach. I need a whistle and a clipboard. “Hey! Let’s hustle up with that baby! I got things to do!” Then my wife buries a scalpel in my jugular. Maybe I’ll hold off on the whistle.