Well, in case you didn’t read about it in US Weekly, I got engaged last week. In case you need to pre-emptively send me $1000 for my wedding, go ahead and get that taken care of. I only take large bills in person or certified checks if by mail.
People ask a lot of questions about this process. One, did you get a blood diamond? I don’t think so, but someone better have bled. Holy shit, those damn things are expensive. Luckily, I’m super rich, with my huge comedy cash. Sigh. Two, how did you ask? Well, I said, “Hey toots, when yer done making me dinner and wershin’ the deeshes, ‘mon over here. I’m going to make you the luckiest woman east of the Mississippi.” Actually, I heavily drugged her with wine and pain meds. I then pulled a gun and told her I was a desperate and lonely man and she better say yes. It worked!
In all seriousness, my fiance is beautiful, talented, driven, loyal, caring and all around wonderful. Several of my relatives have told me she is a perfect match…which may mean I am none of those things. And by may, I mean definitely. Well, at least I know how to make meth. I can bring that to the table. Thanks, Appalachia!