Thousands of years ago, depending upon your religious beliefs or lack thereof, some people had sex and then their kids mated with some other group of people’s kids (or maybe each other, see ancient Egypt or Appalachia). This happened a bunch of times and thus, here we are. Most have been forgotten, but we inherit their traits, good and bad, hoping we carry on some weird legacy of past ancestors.
I tell this meandering tale because I like to think, with the men in my family who built buildings, fought in wars and tamed the wild frontier, I have some manliness in my blood. Or I used to. I was trimming my beard and noticed my chest hair was a bit long around the collar. For hundreds of years, this has been normal and acceptable, but due to the modern new standards, I decided to give it a buzz. I probably, in retrospect, should have used the guard.
After trying to balance this mistake out, I ended up buzzing my entire chest hair bald. I then stared, horrified at a bald chest with a very hairy stomach. Of course it had to go. Minutes later, I looked into the mirror realizing that any legacy of manliness was now stuck between the blades of a $15 beard trimmer. I also know I need to lose some weight. I thought I looked fat before, but holy shit it’s much worse without any hair. I think I’ll wear my shirt in the shower for the next few weeks. I look like a surly baby or a pre-op patient hit shaved by an overzealous intern.