(Former) Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested for murder this week and it looks like he pulled off the worst crime in quite a few years. He made Jodi Arias look like Professor Moriarty. From early reports, he used his own cell to text and call from his own phone, leaving a literal road map of evidence with footnotes. He then killed a guy that he had picked up, who had been seen leaving with him, a mile from his house. As dumb as he was, I think his pals may have been stupider. They actually heard this moronic plan and went along with it.
I like to think if one of my buddies texted me to come over late night that something needed “taken care of”, I would assume his sump pump went out or his girlfriend set fire to his shit in the front yard. I then like to think I would pull in, realize he was talking about MURDERING SOMEONE…I would come up with something other than “OK, sounds great!” Umm, I’m sorry, I thought you just told me you plan on killing a guy who disrespected you and leaving the body a mile from your own house. Hahahaha, you’re crazy. What’s that? Oh, you’re serious. Well, turns out I left the oven on. Man, I sure would love to get in on this all-risk, no reward murder plan devised by a nine year old, but you know how it is when your phone is almost out of battery! Thanks for thinking of me, I know you truly value our friendship, what with the trusting me as a murder accomplice and all, but I think I’d rather not die in prison. Thanks though, buddy! (Door slam, tire squeal)