Month: November 2013

Almost anyone and everyone will tell you no season compares to the beauty of autumn.  The tones, the smells, the changing countryside.  I agreed, until I moved out of my condo and into a house.  I saw a few leaves turn and fall lazily to the ground.  Then five days later, 3.5 million leaves fell on the yard.  Time to rake!

After a two hour battle, the leaves were vanquished.  Then a breeze blew and my lazy ass neighbors who didn’t bother raking, watched gleefully as all their leaves tumbled right into my yard.  I also realized dog shit is rather hard to see when it’s the same color as leaves, or even better, hiding like a practical joke under a leaf.  This time, much longer and with the added bonus of brown treats, I repeated the process.  I am beginning to hate autumn.  Don’t worry, it will be a short-lived hate, as the first time it snows and I fall down shoveling at six AM or it takes four times longer to get home from work, you will jump to the top, winter.

November.  The time to be thankful.  Nothing says thankful like the sun going down at 5 pm and the weather turning from “Hey, those leaves are pretty” to “If I wear a coat indoors, I’ll sweat to death in the mall, but if I don’t I’ll freeze to death walking from my car.”  With that, I thought it would be easier to list things I’m not thankful for!

1 – My dog’s nails.  Now that Bean is in the “golden” years, (he’s a old and a golden retriever!  Hahaha, I’m so witty!) he staggers around much like his owner (for different reasons).  What this means, is that he clicks and clacks his nails every morning on the hardwood floors about one to two hours before my alarm goes off.  Maybe I can get him a dog Rascal or some mittens.

2 – Single ply toilet paper and a Speedway bathroom.  There are no details needed on this topic.

3 – Shows like America’s Funniest Home Videos and Ridiculousness.  Hit in the balls, funny animal, more ball blasting, funny kid, repeat for ten years.  See also shows that play indie rock, coffee shop, crap music over every dramatic scene.  Yuck.

4 – Silk boxers.  I got a pair of those once.  I didn’t know a garment could wrap around, twist, ball up, do somersaults and generally treat my undercarriage like a jungle gym, just by standing up.

5 – Fast food.  Every time I lose a pound and a half, I pass by a fast food joint that has a 1400 calorie treat for $1.39.  How is a burrito and a double cheeseburger cheaper than an apple or orange?  I’m thankful for America, though.  Only here are our poor people fat.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Tonight, I’ll be hosting the semi-finals of the Open Mic Talent Search at the Columbus Funny Bone.  I have a lot of fun hosting these, it’s great to perform in a contest setting when you’re not actually in the contest.  The comics bring a lot of people, then nervously pace around the bar hoping everyone else bombs or their so-called friends no showed like most of theirs did.  The crowd usually hates everyone, including the friendly emcee, until someone kills and loosens them up.  Due to the shark tank atmosphere, the crowd devours the weak with glares and hate until they get drunk enough to not care anymore.

I have declared to myself every time I get in a contest that I will never do it again, which will be enforced tonight when I see half the contestants get bounced and go home crestfallen.  Then I will put down the mic and realize my next performance will be in Cleveland, in front of strangers, most of whom hate me, competing against 11 other comics, who will hate me, for a contest title that I have a one in 48 chance to win.  In other words, after next week, I will either be ecstatic…or one of the pissed off 47 swearing I will never do another contest again.  See you Monday, Cleveland!  www.clevelandcomedyfestival.com

Extreme Cheapskates, one of my favorite shows, is on.  I’m pretty thrifty in my beer choices, I drink garbage…but I also like it.  Maybe I’m not frugal, I’m an alkie.  At least I don’t scrape leftovers off people’s plates at restaurants or use washrags to wipe my ass like the maniacs I watched this weekend.  Hand me an Old Milwaukee, please.

From watching the commercials, I realized this channel is weirdos, uninteresting dating shows, little people and medical freaks.  Want to learn math or science on the Learning Channel?  Nope!  Want to learn about history or geography?  Not here!  Want to see a person whose skin falls off when they sneeze or watch Alaskan women try to find love in a beach setting?  We got that covered!  You’re welcome, now you’re all smart and shit.