Month: November 2013

I got to rejoin the Great Debate, a fun charity roast put on by the Rotary Club in Hilliard, OH.  It pits four OSU debaters/roasters vs. four on the Michigan side.  I did it twice, in 2010 and 2011 for the Buckeyes, but missed last year due to a rare paid run in Alabama.  This year, I was back!…but my Ohio State spot was gone, so I had to roast for Michigan.  Poop.

Here’s the audio of my set – FYI, its clean, believe it or not.

I got a touchdown and a two point conversion, which is not too shabby being in a 98% OSU crowd and an Ohio State fan myself…of course, I cut off the recording, so no one will ever know.  My team, not surprisingly, lost, but I had a good time and there was free food and beer for me.  I love charity.  Charity that has free beer, that is.

I went to Cleveland this past weekend with the Brew Crew to watch the Browns host the Steelers.  Oh, and to drink copious amounts of overpriced beer and nearly freeze to death.  It was 13 degrees with the wind.  I had three pairs of socks on with work boots and I thought I was going to lose a foot.  Luckily, I had drank enough to kill a donkey, so I was able to muscle through.

I also found out what it’s like to wear opposing team gear in Cleveland.  Especially Pittsburgh, which has won a lot of Super Bowls, making them even more loathed in Browns country, which has had 43 different quarterbacks and zero playoff wins since some time in the 80’s.  First off, I didn’t know there were that many homosexual slurs.  Good job, everyone.  Second, I had no idea every opposing fan lived an alternative lifestyle…how does it work when you play on a neutral field?  Does everyone turn bi?  Or is it asexual?  Damn, this is complicated.

Here’s a few examples: “Look at this faggot with the shit on his head!”  Ah, my hat is made of shit, apparently.  I replied, “Actually, I am a huge child molester.  I asked myself, what team supports pedophiles, and the choice was clear!  That’s why I root for the Steelers.”  He stared at me.  “That’s what I thought, queer!”  Good one, meathead.  Another guy wearing a brown leisure suit in line for the bathroom said, “Whatever this guy says is shit!”  Sorry, you must have thought I was talking about the Browns record since 1999.  “I bet you’re going to bathroom to look at dicks!”  Ironically, he stayed in the bathroom longer than anyone.  I’m sure, by the way, this happens everywhere.  It’s not like one fan base has cookies and milk for opposing fans.  The sad thing is, for the most part, I had to take the abuse like a middle school nerd because the potential to get beat down by angry drunks was very real.  Oh well, I’ll show them all someday when my Comedy Central episode debuts in 2025!

The winter is coming.  That means bad news on Game of Thrones, but in my world, it means I don’t have to mow anymore and I can park in the garage.  In cleaning it out, I found a box o’ memories left over from moving out of my condo.  The find was not what I expected.

Within, I found a Dukes of Hazzard sleeping bag from the early 80’s and a Batmobile phone.  Dollars danced in my head, until I went on eBay and found that the sleeping was selling for $5 with free shipping and the phone was pretty beat up.  Damnit.

I found awful pictures of bad bowl cuts and short shorts, old report cards, my Ozzfest ’97 concert guide, and several notebooks.  Upon closer inspection, I realized the pages contained note after note about dwarves, charisma rating, boots of speed and other Dungeons and Dragons adventures.  I had blocked it out, but ninth grade was an orgy of D&D madness.  I had battled goblins and any potential for female relations with a fervor and purpose.  I remembered my devastation when my parents found my Dungeonmaster’s Guide and pitched these tools of Satan into the trash.  With no more hobby, I took up drinking.  Well, that backfired!  If I have a son, I’m forcing him to play D&D.  I was a real piece of garbage in high school.

I got a notice that Blockbuster is finally going out of business and was having a clearance sale.  I didn’t know there were any left, but what the hell, I like a good deal.  If you go early, you get OK savings, but good selections.  If I had waited, the deals would probably be great, I’d be picking up copies President’s Day (a movie with a murderous Lincoln impersonator) or Air Bud 7, where Air Bud gets in a Monday night darts league at South Side Bar and Grill.

After picking up a few movies, I went to check out.  To set the scene, there are at least 14 huge signs in the windows saying “Clearance!”, “Everything Must Go!”, and “$9.99 after savings!” all over the windows, plus about 40 smaller versions in the store, which has about 10,000 movies.  A man walked in, wearing a Lakers shirt, Lakers coat, and Lakers hat.  “You guys having a movie sale?”  The employees, who will soon be working elsewhere, looked at him with hate and contempt.  “Yes.”  The man looked unsatisfied.  “How many movies?”  At least four people stared at him, then all looked at the thousands of movies.  “All of them.”

You would have thought the man would have been shamed by the stupidity of the situation, but no, he was still going.  “Are they a good price?  $9?”  Blank stares from the manager.  “They’ll all marked.”  The Lakers fan paused.  “Are the ones in middle on sale?”  What made this question great is that nothing was marked to make the movies in the middle special, this dumbass just wanted to know if the movies in a particular section of the store were on sale…which they were…because everything was on sale, thus the dozens of signs indicating exactly that.  The manager had enough at that point.  “Why don’t you go see for yourself, man?”  The concept washed over Laker Larry like a revelation from the heavens.  I realized at that moment just who buys copies of Air Bud 7 and President’s Day.

I saw this on Facebook.  I don’t know how it works, if you’re supposed to be tagged or poked or messaged, but I need a blog topic, so here goes.

1) I have had five concussions.  I fell off a jungle gym, got hit the face with a baseball, helmet to helmet collision in football, headbutted in the ear in a rugby match, and drunken wrestling.  It hasn’t affected me that I know of, but if you slap me in the head, I’ll probably shit my pants or start drooling.

2) My original dream job was to be a ‘Merican history professor.  See above.  Plus I say ‘Merican, so it’s probably for the best I’m not.

3) My backup dream job would be to beat up people that abuse kids or animals.  This job doesn’t exist, but if anyone knows of an opening, I would love to interview for it.  “What are your credentials, Mr. Coen?”  I punch until I get tired.  “You’re hired!”

4) I once struck out 13 batters in a six inning baseball game my team lost 17-3.  It was actually three, but thanks to a typo in the Zanesville Times Recorder, I had the highest strikeout ratio in recorded history for a pitcher that lost by 14 runs.

5) I lost an art contest in fifth grade gifted class.  The teacher stuck a ribbon on me that said, “Least Elaborate.”  I picked up a chair and tossed it off the wall.  If I ever attend her funeral, I’m sticking a “Least Alive” ribbon on her coffin.

6) Shockingly, my best post-comedy show sales in both shirts and DVD’s came in a town of 2,000 people.  At a Senior Citizen Event Center.  I should have played the lottery that night.

7) If I was a super hero, my weakness would be a TV station that constantly played 80’s action movies.  Especially Road House.  I am like a fly in a spider web when Dalton starts spin-kicking rednecks.  “Foiled again!  Damn you Patrick Swayze!”

I went up Monday in the Cleveland Comedy Festival.  I went into work, put in an eight hour day and drove two hours up to the show.  The drive gave me time to figure out my six minute set.  I had a good idea, but I set my timer and ran through my set.  I looked over and saw a lady staring at me as I talked to myself.  Don’t judge me, lady, this shit is hilarious.

I got into the show and met some of the other comics.  There is a weird “I hate everyone in here.” thing that happens when you realize the other 11 people stand between you and prize money.  Turns out, everyone I spoke with was pretty cool.  Of course, there’s always a pissing match of bragging that happens among comedians, but I’m probably worse than most, so I can’t complain.  We drew numbers to determine order and I grabbed mine, stupidly drawing the paper with the number one on it.  This is the kiss of death in a comedy competition.

I shook it off, until as I walked onstage and saw eight people being seated.  Well, that’s not distracting!  I had a pretty solid set, but in my practicing by myself, no one laughed.  Well, not out loud, just the voices in my head.  My timing was off a hair and I went about ten seconds over.  That’s the other stickler with contests – be funny for 360 seconds…give or take five seconds.  I couldn’t watch most of the other sets because I didn’t want to stand in the corner, plus they had free pizza in the green room and since all comedians are users and cheapskates, I jumped in.

Finally, the results were in!  I didn’t make the top four, so my dreams of winning were over.  I realized if I had won the money, I would’ve probably wrecked my car on the way home.  Oh well, let me see if I can stuff some pizza into my coat pockets and call it a night.