Wednesday night in the world of me

Being an aspiring comic, I did a show for a six pack (it was only ten minutes long) at a tennis club last night.  There was no mike, no stage, but I did expose some yuppies to my surly sarcasm.  When you do a show that’s not familiar with comedy, you get some great intros.  The woman that brought me up announced an upcoming event, then said “This guy has been to the Funny Bone a few times.  Let’s hear it for Chris Coen.”  Been to the Funny Bone…yes.   “This next guy watched a comedy show on Netflix!  Let’s hear it for Jerry the Vagrant!”  Thanks for the accolades, you frumpy shrew.

I then had a double header at slow pitch softball.  I played OK, but had a moment that truly puts me in my unathletic place.  Second game, first at bat, I swung with all my might and the ball went literally less than two feet and just spun in a circle.  It stayed fair so I took off.  The catcher was a middle aged lesbian looking asexual man, but unlike a lesbian, he was useless at the sport of kings, field 4 slow pitch softball.  He tossed it into the abyss and I rounded the bases.  Two throwing errors later, I scored.  Technically a questionable single with three errors, I like to think round tripper.  Oh, the fish stories that will come of this monumental crack of ol’ Casey’s bat.  I was so embarrassed I was laughing like an invalid as I rounded second, but I’ll take it, b/c the scorekeeper on my team put it down as a homer.  A 16″ homer.  At Cooperstown, perhaps I will thank all responsible for my mighty deed.  “Thank you, Bud Select, for impairing my already failing vision just enough to hit exactly 2% of the softball coming at me at the ungodly speed of 11 miles per hour.  Thank you to the androgynous catcher for tossing the 4 oz. ball into short right.  Finally, I would like to thank my Dad, the 1980 First Team All American Slow Pitch shortstop (this is real, btw, my old man was a beast), for having shot 1% of his athleticness into my Mom in 1978, allowing me to run the bases without soiling myself.  God Bless America!”