Posted on by Chris

Things that annoy me, part one

1. Going to the grocery store after the first of the month and getting stuck behind welfare white trash buying 32 12 packs of Pepsi in the self checkout line.  15 items doesn’t mean you can buy 30 sticks of beef jerky, loser.  2. Wal Mart.  No other explanation needed, see number one.  3. People who make statements and use horrible logic to justify their opinions – example: I was at a party and this guy said “How could anyone be pro-life?”  I said, “Some people have moral problems with abortion.”  His reply?  “Well everyone knows poor people have abortions and poor people just rape and rob people when they get older.  Do you want your wife to get raped?”  Thanks for the debate, Henry Clay.  4. People that hate you for what team you like b/c their team sucks.  My Dad was born outside Pittsburgh.  Sorry, Bengals fan – I like the team my Dad likes.  I didn’t put Jesus on the cross.  5. Hippies.  Your drum circle isn’t stopping the war, douchebags.  6. Guy who calls me a queer for drinking Bud Select when he has a Bud Light in his hand.  Really?  7. People who text you immediately after you hang up the phone.  I’m farsighted and driving.  Let me read your text and slam into the median at 70 mph.  I’m sure it’s important, since you didn’t mention it in our 20 minute conversation.  8. People that invite me to crap on Facebook…in other states.  Sure, I’ll be at your fundraiser for breast cancer in North Carolina or your art show in New Mexico next Tuesday.  I don’t have anything to do that week.  9. Comedy shows with no mike.  “Did you bring one?”  Of course, moron.  I carry a full speaker system in my Malibu.  Should I pull out my drum set too?  Jackass.  10. Lady Gaga.  “I’m so different and an outcast just like you!”  Shut up, millionaire.  I hate you.  11. Politicians.  Shove your talking points up your ass.  12. My iPod earbuds.  I lost the rubber on one, so it randomly shocks my ear.  I know that piece costs 2 cents, but I have to buy new earbuds or deal with it until I snap.  Feel free to comment on this one, I need more material for blogs…

2 Replies to “Things that annoy me, part one”

  1. #1 thing that annoys me.

    Any reality show on VH1, MTV, Bravo, Oxygen, HGTV or any other television network who’s programing is geared for the 18-25 year old and female/homosexual demographic. I can’t stand to even glance at the TV when one of these mind-dumps are on. I love it when my woman comes home, clicks on the tube, and I get to watch two hours of “Cake Boss” topped with an hour of “Jersey Shore”. I wish she would sprinkle in a little bit of thsoe lovely and not at all wretched Kardashian harpies. Then my evening would be complete.

    I have a theory that watching a reality show like “Bad Girl’s Club” or “Real Housewives of (insert location here)” for longer than 17 seconds will cause mental retardation. I checked online to see if any of the big brains over at Harvard had done any case studies and was shocked to find that no one has put any serious man-hours or funding into this line of research. Therefore I decided to run a test at home to challenge the validity of my hypothesis.

    I used my fiance as the test subject and my 13 year old step-son as the control group. I asked them a series of 5th grade general knowledge questions and both scored well. He went to his room to watch TV (cool shit like Seinfeld and The Simpsons) while my fiance started a two hour fest of “Bridezillas”. When they were both done watching television I asked them one simple question. I asked them to name all the continents. My step-son scored a perfect 7 out of 7 and even named all the world’s oceans. My fiance? “Why no darling, China is a country not a continent.” “Nope, Mexico isn’t a continent either.” “Yes. Good job! Italy IS shaped like a boot. What continent is it on?” “You don’t know.” THEORY PROVED!

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