I drove back Sunday from Minnesota to Columbus. Google said 11.5 hours. That’s a fun stare you in the face. The ride was uneventful early, with the best of Ron and Fez providing some chuckles (Ronnie B. is the man). Then I neared the WI/IL border about four hours in. I then went through 12 tolls, none more than $1.60. 12. Twelve. Doce. This probably cost me at least 45 minutes. Fuck the money, someone was getting paid to sit at 11 of the 12 to collect .80 cents a pop. And kiss my ass number 10. I said hi and you stared at me with your soulless eyes.
I ran low on gas and had to piss ferociously at the worst possible point. A truck stop in Gary, Indiana. Remember the Music Man? Yeah, neither does Gary. This is what I saw when I pulled in.
Nothing says sexy like Truckers’ World! Runner up was the strip club I passed in Wis. named “Cruisin’ Chubby’s”. Unfortunately, I had to shit…at the truck stop. I did my biz and looked over to realize the crack staff at the Gary TA didn’t refill the TP. One wet shit waddle later, I knocked over to other stall to wipe. That won’t haunt me on the way home. I grabbed some Taco Bell and filled my drink, but apparently angered the gnats as they swarmed my face and once potentially tasty Diet Mt. Dew.
All that aside, I didn’t stop again and completed the trip thanks to my inhuman bladder and fuel saving Malibu in 10 hours and 25 mins. If you knew my take from the weekend, you would curse the skies, but back to the real job Monday with a fake smile. Enter Bob Seger singing “Turn the Page.”