I would like to take time for comedy fans to bring light to a very important topic. Comics occasionally sell things after the show. This not b/c we are all secretly in the apparel or DVD business, but b/c we need money to pay for gas, food, tolls, etc. At the shows I did this weekend, I noticed some taboos…
One, if you’re not going to buy anything, please do not shield the crowd with your body as you tell me bar and truck stop jokes you heard that I knew in the third grade. While I feign interest in your juvenile hack joke (or occasionally racist joke – thanks for that, Bull Connor), 35 people just slid past you, denying me probably $10-$40 in profit. Get the fuck to the end of the line.
Second, please never do this move. A couple smiled at me, then left. The man returned a few minutes later and said, “Can you take a picture?” “Sure, man.” I let out a sigh, knowing I would have to fake smile with a stranger. He said, “Thanks!” Then handed me his camera phone. “Me and my wife have been trying to get a good picture all night!” Are you kidding me? I snapped it, with venomous hatred on my face and he said, “Looks good!” No one else could have done that? You scumbag. I just saw 30 more potential sales stumble out the door. Don’t get a DUI on the way home! That would ruin my night, you ass!
Finally, even I am not selling anything, please don’t tell me about every comic you’ve ever seen. I really don’t give a shit. You know what? I’ve worked with 15 people on the walls of the club. I’ve seen several hundred comics, from open mikers to nationally touring headliners. That one guy, with the puppets (or was it magic?), that you saw in 1994 (or was it 2004?), named Mark (or was it Mike?), in Washington (or perhaps it was Wausau?) I have never heard of. Stop thinking aloud. Even if I do know him, how does this affect either one of our lives right now? Tell you what, buy a shirt, step back, wait for everyone to leave, then you can speculate about Mark/Mike the magic/puppeteer from who cares until you drop dead…or the next show starts.
Thanks, God bless, and please buy my t-shirt or don’t make eye contact with me.
I agree. I would also like to add the people who want shit for free. I remind them that they probably have health insurance and a stable paycheck and I don’t find them on Friday and ask for money from their paycheck.
This post made me feel a bit dirty…a bit cheap…and certainly amused. Good advice; at least you had the balls to say it.