Hanging out with Bill and Dan (http://billanddan.libsyn.com/) the other night reminded me of a story. Almost every comic has been screwed on pay before at least once. Not me, but close. Here’s how it went down.
This guy showed up at an open mike and found out I was the emcee. He then asked what number I was…I told him first, third, fifth, etc. He didn’t get it, but asked me to emcee his room 35 miles from my house. He wanted me to do it free, but me, being a ball buster, demanded $50. I am useless. Unbeknownst to me, he booked nine comics to do 15-20 each. Disaster ensues…
The show sucked, he pulled a lot of newbs who had no business doing that much time. We got through it, but afterwards he pulled me aside post-show. “Bad take tonight, I couldn’t pay my bodyguards.” Excuse me? “Well, here’s how it is…” He talked in circles as my hate grew like a cancer inside. After several minutes of bullshit, he told me he couldn’t pay me. I said, “You made two mistakes. One, you told me you didn’t pay your bodyguards. Two, don’t fuck with a hillbilly!” I then two hand choked him violently. He dropped to his knees, begging for quarter, but none was given. As his eyes bulged, one hand trying to break my grip, the other hand produced a fifty dollar bill. I grabbed it as he felt the sweet air filling his burdened lungs. As my rage relented, I realized he was probably going to shoot me, so I ran out and threw gravel with my spinning tires. My favorite moment was when the comics behind me asked, “Are we getting paid?” Me: “That’s a you problem.” Remember this, bookers and rogues – No one fucks Chris Coen. Chris Coen does the fuckin’!