I have done so many different rooms, it even makes me go hmmmm. (Bad C&C Music Factory reference – that song sucked). I have performed at HS reunions, wedding anniversaries, VFW’s, concerts, bars, clubs, private parties and corporate events to name a few. Here are Chris Coen’s official “ways to ensure a bad comedy show.”
– Have the show outside. Nothing makes a show great like a semi releasing a jake brake or a train rumbling in the background. I did a show once outside and fireworks were going off. That’s not distracting. Can we add a public execution?
– Leave the TV’s on. I did a show once and the first round of the NCAA tourney was going on. Thank God no one in America fills out a bracket. OH WAIT! Everyone does. I asked the bar owner to kill the TV’s and he got sassy w/ me. Why have comedy then, you graphic t-shirt wearing bald piece of shit comedy guru? Too harsh? Not at all. Turn off the g/d sports or cancel the show.
– Don’t stick a comedy show in a bar and not tell the regulars. You have Drunky McGee who spends 50% of his post tax earnings in this bar and tells everyone his life story sitting at the bar, then you cram a show in. He is pissed you’re interrupting his diatribe about the tough day at the ol’ body shop and heckles me. I destroy him, as is the rule, then no one tosses him, b/c he spends $200 a week in the bar. He then tries to fight me, b/c he’s a regular. Good for everyone!
– Book a show at a bar and put more than four comics in it. Let’s see…I don’t have three good comics…I got it! Let’s put eight shitty ones on the venue! Genius! One of them has to do OK. It’s science! I did a gig once where the “booker” came up to me at the Funny Bone in Columbus before the show. “What number were you?” I emceed, there were 12 comics. “OK, what number were you?” I was first. And also third, fifth, seventh… He didn’t get my sarcasm and had me emcee his show. He booked 9 comics and told them all to do 20 minutes. Worst show ever. More about that in another blog…
– Don’t have a good mike and open the buffet when I walk onstage. Yes, this happened to me once. I was at a 10 million dollar clubhouse. I walked onstage – but the activities director said, “Welcome to comedy night. Also, the food line is open. Go ahead and get your food now. Here’s your first act, Chris Coen!” All I heard was metal utensils hitting plates for 20 minutes. Then the mike started cutting out. Thanks, dick! Maybe you can turn on the blow job machine right when I start! Thanks!