Great bad movies

There are certain poorly acted movies that are so cheesy they are just captivating.  Last night I rewatched my favorite low budget comedy, The Stoned Age.  It is a tale about two friends in the mid-70’s riding around trying to score some alcohol and fine chicks.  Along the way, they run into such obstacles as the “Buffalo Butts”, a trio of large girls who want to play Submarine (which is never explained) and other suitors of these mystery chicks like Tack the Cack and Crump’s brother, the latter who just got out of jail after beating up a Samoan gentleman.  Of course, they also have to contend with Officer “Dixie Cup Dean” as well.  Plus, Hubbs tells Joe his classic theory on “pussy songs” put out by cool bands to find out who the real faggots are (his words, not mine).  They also piss in an icetray, a very underrated move.  Definitely worth your time.

Nothing, though, tops Road House.  I have seen this movie, mostly on TBS, probably 25+ times.  What is more epic than the struggle between a philosopher/bouncer (“Pain don’t hurt”) and a rich, small town tycoon in Missouri?  Love and drama ensue, with plenty of karate kicks to the face of Terry Funk and other ruffians, delivered by one Dalton the internationally famous “cooler”.  I, of course, never cared much for bouncers, since I have been the target of several an arm bar or chicken wing.  My best encounter was at a karaoke bar in Windsor, Canada.  These French Canadians were screwing up a GNR song, so I rushed the stage and ripped the mike away.  As I did my Axl Rose dance w/ the mike stand, I may have lost grip and tossed the stand into the crowd, hitting a young lady in the back of the knee.  I was tossed and proceeded to yell to the multitudes not to go into the bar.  A bouncer asked me to stop, to which I replied from the street, “What are you going to do?  Throw me out again?”  “No, I’ll call the cops.”  You win this round, Dalton, but me and the boys will be back!  I got tossed from that bar again a year later.  In another country.  I will make a great father someday.