Thursday was the start of the NFL season! Hell yes! Then I saw that asexual douchebag from Maroon 5 kick off all our carnal gladiator cravings by singing “Move like Jagger.” God help us now. Hey NFL, there was one stupid nip slip several years back at the Super Bowl, now we’re subjected to safe music. OOOOHHHH!!!! Faith Hill is singing! Now I’m ready for violent hits! Stupid NFL.
If I want “safe” pop hits, I’ll listen to the radio top 40 b/s. Give me angry gangsta rap. Sate my need for excitement with heavy metal. I dare you to listen to “Halo” by Machine Head and not want to run outside and start a war with a broomstick and trash can lid as weapons. For God’s sake, give me Hank Jr. At least he bellows out a tune promoting beer drinking and raising hell. Fourth quarter…goal line stand…home team down by four…no timeouts…”Oooohhh oh wooooo wooooo wooooo Move like Jagger!” Where is the running back from the Last Boy Scout? Audible, option stage left. Power I shooting spree to Maroon 5, on one, on one…BREAK! In all fairness, the bullet would probably bounce off his painted on jeans/leggings.
On the topic of NFL opening night acts, I hate Kid Rock. How old is he anyway? When you reach the age of 45 it’s time to stop calling yourself “Kid”. I remember as a teenager when Kid Rock got his start, he was a rap/rocker with what I’m assuming was an addiction to heroin, who rapped/rocked about being white trash. Now he’s like a white trash icon because he sings (about as well as I do, somebody should tell him he sounds like shit live without his voice synthesizers backing him up) songs about his good ol’ days while raising giant American flags on stage behind him. What a crock of shit. “Hey Kid Rock, you’ve been a multi-millionaire for better than 15 years, please sing a song about how your life is similar to mine.” The only reason why “Kid” Rock is still relevant is because you inbred idiots out there eat his shit up with a spoon.
If only they had added Train to the stage with Maroon 5, we would have had everything that is wrong with “popular” music.