Month: June 2011

I was going through some old pics recently and found some gems.  When I graduated HS, I went with a locust-like Midwestern white trash group for my “senior trip” – Myrtle Beach.  In 1997, me and six 18 year old degenerates drove 9 hours south for 10 days sans parents with 10 30 packs and a lot of spunk.  We stayed at the Carousel Motel, owned by some Swedes with a three legged dog named Ludwig.  I’m not making this up – 10 nights for two rooms connected by a kitchen.  $190 total.  They might as well have had an atomic bomb go off…

First off, I’ll recap the destruction.  Binky ripped the phone cord out of the wall.  Honk kicked the door frame out.  Hoss broke the mirror.  Seth puked on the floor and tore down the shower rod, which lid to the faucet being blown off the wall.  Some guys from Cbus tossed a full beer through our picture window in the dining area.  (We took it out on their car after that injustice).  We lost our $200 deposit.  Why?  My buddy called me a name after a drunken round of Bugs Bunny vs. Elmer Fudd and I snapped, kicking a dent in the mini fridge.  Lars was upset.  Sorry pal, give my regards to Ludwig.

In recap, I went to Myrtle Beach a 185 lb. HS athlete.  After 10 days, I was smoking a pack a day, put on 20 lbs., and raised my beer tolerance from 10 beers to 17.  I screamed at a drug dealer that was sharing VCR head cleaner (for sniffing), had a beer bong contest against 12 people, puked in the suicide lane off 16 south, and ate a pack of powered pack of Easy Mac cheese for a meal when I ran out of money.  This explains my quote from college that got me elected “Most Likely to be Seen at a Party” – “Are we getting drunk…or are we getting FUCKED UP?!”  (Applause and cheers).

Shut up Coca-Cola.  I HATE working in groups.  I am impatient and have no tolerance for wasted time.  A+B=C.  I have been president of at least seven groups/organizations and am currently president of my condo association…mostly b/c I didn’t attend the meeting and they snookered me into it.  I run the meetings like a despot.  “There’s a bird nest in my vent.”  Put an M80 in there.  I’m not hiring a groundskeeper at $35/hour.  “There’s air coming out of my outlet.”  Does your power still work?  “Yes.”  Here’s how you fix it.  Duct tape a tube to your exhaust pipe.  Put the other end through your barely cracked window.  Run car in garage.  Sleep.  “When is pool opening?”  Next Saturday.  15 minutes later…”When does the pool open?”  Crawl in the bottom.  We’ll fill it with water.  When you float to the top – PARTY TIME!  I am the greatest condo president ever.

Another year of softball, another year I say – “We should pitch in and buy a $400 bat like the other teams.”  Then I realize I don’t care that much.  My team played the Walmart crew last night.  I thought everyone at Wal Mart was 80 years old, but in these guys’ case, descendants of the Vikings on the 13th Warrior.  Or they chop wood all day for fun.  Their bats were blasting everything at rocket speed.  I have a softball imprint in my forearm…from their eight hitter.  I also realized I am not Latino.  I made a great snag running hard to my left and tossed to first on run.  The ball missed my first baseman by at least six feet to the right, unlike the multitudes of agile Dominican second basemen that appear on SportsCenter each night.  The only case where good equipment = suck is the guy with the custom pool cue and glove you see at the bar.  I’m not even that great at pool, but I have never lost to that douchebag.  Buying a cape doesn’t make you Batman, learn to shoot pool, then buy the custom Budweiser cuestick.

New type of show for me next Monday @ Wild Goose Creative 9 pm.  Will be hosting a sketch comedy and live music show in Columbus.  I never did much with sketch, although I wrote a sketch series called “Middle America” that I don’t have the tech knowledge or props to record.  Anyhoo, there will be live sketches, recorded shorts, and a ton of diverse sets, plus live music.  Come check it out, only $5.  As a preview, these topics will be hit upon – Jim Tressel, Puerto Rican politics, inappropriate job interviews, and two songs from my Jamboree days; “Old Stinky” and “Give Unto Others”.  Plus special appearances from local Columbus talent and the late Ty Cobb.  See you there, Columbus.