CHRIS COEN

Thanks to hackers, who are so devoid of balls they might as well be Ken dolls, I had a little hiccup on the site.  They found a way to put links or something into my site to increase their hits.  The joke’s on you, almost no one reads this blog!  HA HA HA!  Wait a minute, that’s not a good comeback…

It may be a blessing because I realized I needed to update my bio, some pictures, revamp the gigs section and other such tasks.  Unfortunately, I am not tech savvy enough.  The closest I got to computer programming was when I created wrestling plots in HTML for a web group in 2000.  My character was the Patriot.  I know this probably shocks everyone.  What happened was you would type up a plot and if the webmaster liked it more than everyone else’s, you could go for a title.  Yes, it was super nerdy and I had a lot of free time in college.  All I really learned was that I needed a new hobby.  The only one that got me a title shot was when I framed my rival for a crime and he had to go to prison, whereupon all kinds of awful ensued.  And you thought spending too much time on Facebook was a waste of the internet.

Long story short, everything is a work in progress, but my blogs are back up and look for changes down the road.  Now excuse me, I have to finish sewing stars on my wrestling tights.

I was at work this week, making sales calls.  I barely heard it, but an older guy on a bench said, “Excuse me, sir.”  I turned, expecting to be hit up for change or handed a religious flyer.  “Have you been to the Dayton music festival?  There was a guy that I swear was you that did the most beautiful tap dance I’ve seen.”

I thought about saying yes, but then I realized he would talk to me about tap dancing for 15 minutes or expect me to softshoe right on the street.  Then I started thinking, did he really see a 205 lb. angry bearded white guy tap dance?  I must find this doppleganger and end him, before he does more damage.  At that moment, I realized he was still staring at me, awaiting an answer.

“No, I don’t tap dance.  My wife will get a kick out of this though.  She loves my dancing.”  He was crestfallen.  “Are you sure?  Those shoes look like tap shoes.”  He pointed at my dress shoes, which were black, but in no other way like tap shoes.  I then became aware this guy probably assumes every guy with black shoes is Fred Astaire.  I also came to the sad realization that I’ve been confused for a tap dancer about a quarter as much as I’ve been recognized as a comedian.  Time to learn to tap.

One side effect of social media is the instant reaction.  People can now spew visceral reactions to events the second they come up.  This is both funny and terrifying, although in fairness, even more terrifying is what people put out there after some thought and reflection.  Just this week, I saw a couple facebook fights, some stories that got strange commentary and wildly different opinions on the same events.

1) I noticed Brian Williams’ lies about his fake war experience and Hurricane Katrina “survival” was largely met with memes and jokes, but Jon Stewart’s retirement destroyed people.  In other words, comedy news is more important than the real news.  I learned I need to get into the fun side of reporting, no one cares about real broadcasts with 24 hour news cycles.

2) ISIS finally appears to have went too far with burning a Jordanian pilot alive.  I find this strange because they’ve been shooting old people in the back of their heads, beheading foreigners and kidnapping children for months, if not years.  That’s OK apparently?  I also noticed a couple people posting that America did the same thing to black men in the South in our own past, so we can’t say anything about it.  First off, America didn’t do it, mobs of people did it in certain instances of terrible inhumanity and injustice.  Let’s not indict a whole country.  ISIS is also a radical group.  The correct analogy would be citing the KKK.  They set up a demonstration in my college town my senior year.  We drove past them and threw pennies at the guy.  Yes, there was one fat redneck there and he got coined like no one’s business.  Second, this did happen, correct – but it also doesn’t give anyone a free pass.

3) I noticed two takes on Kanye West.  He’s an ass or yes he’s an ass, but he’s cool, so he can be an ass.  Then about six hours later, I noticed this one – “Enough about Kanye West everyone.”  To the last type of post, I say only – why are you on Facebook and Twitter if you’re not expecting to be bombarded with posts about a current event?  That’s like being pissed people are posting about the Super Bowl.  Now if it’s two weeks from now and you’re seeing Kanye West posts about his Grammy antics, that’s what the unfollow and block functions are for.  And to answer the question – yes, he’s an enormous dick.  Both because he interrupted the Grammy awards and that he thinks they actually mean something.  I like Metal.  Tenacious D won the Metal award this year.  They also nominated two songs off a tribute album to Dio.  I love Dio – but 2 of the 5 nominees came off a tribute album and the comedy duo won?  The correct response is that awards shows are dumb ratings grabs.  The best song winner lost a lawsuit that they ripped off the beat…but look at those wacky outfits!  OMG!  Side note – Madonna, please stop.  You’re embarrassing yourself.  Eat a sandwich and put some clothes on, you’re scaring everyone.

Post show interaction with the crowd is probably the funniest and/or most annoying part of any show.  Most people say “Great show” or stare angrily and walk past me.  Others are more complicated.  I thought I would share a few.

I did a show in Alabama.  An Austrian guy approached me.  “You were my favorite!”  Thanks, man!  “You weren’t the funniest, but you were my favorite!  You were really acting like you didn’t have any happiness!”  Then he bought a shirt.  All is forgiven.  Plus after the set I had, he was right.

After a show in Minnesota a couple nearly sprinted to me – I thought they wanted to buy all my stuff.  “Hey!  Can you help with a picture?”  Really?  OK, let’s get this over with.  Then they handed me a camera and posed.  Not with me…they wanted me to take it.  No one else in the whole club could take it, just me.  I watched as 40 possible customers ran past me.  I hope this picture shows up on Forensic Files in six months, scumbags.

West Virginia – Drunk man approaches.  “Hey, you’re pretty funny.  We should go to a strip club, then go back to my trailer and watch dirty movies.”  Me – Ummm, I can’t.  Sorry.  “You don’t like strip clubs?  Are you a faggot?”  That’s not the part I was focused on…  Me – Yes, you nailed it.  I’m gay.  Very gay.  Anything to not go to your trailer.  “That’s what I thought, queer!”  Wow, you just made the most illogical homophobic situation in history.  Congrats, dummy.  Now go enjoy being the product of cousins.

Pennsylvania, several years ago.  Drunk old man approaches.  “You should do more n word jokes!”  (He didn’t say n word, by the way.)  Me – That assumes I did an n word joke, which I didn’t and never have or never will.  His daughter ran up.  “I’m so sorry, he says stuff like that when he drinks.” Ah, the ol’ only racist when drunk routine.  I’m sure he’s actually always racist.  Might want to leave him at home in his cave.

I watched the Sons of Liberty series this past week.  It was entertaining, but I noticed it wasn’t exactly right out of the history books.  Example – the Boston Massacre happened over three years before the Boston Tea Party, but on the show, they’re right on top of each other.  I understand it’s a show, so I’m OK with it, but it made me want to write a version of the events.

Boston, BA (Before Awesome aka Before America).  Some British redcoat barges into the Green Dragon Tavern.  “You Yankees are drinking tea now and paying a bunch of taxes!”  Sam Adams smashes a bottle over his head.  “Not in my soon to be America you British son of a bitch!”  The British crack down and try to collect more taxes.  Joseph Warren rips his shirt off and ninja fights 240 lobsterbacks while Guns N Roses blares in the background.  Things are looking rough until Paul Revere and John Wayne ride in on Harleys and gun down a battalion of Hessians, who are actually Nazis from the future.  Hitler swears revenge and jumps back into his time machine, narrowly escaping.

George Washington then reforges his Valerian Steel sword and beheads the reanimated corpse of Edward Longshanks at the Battle of Yorktown.  As the soul of Longshanks is sucked down to Hell, George flips a cigarette butt into the vortex and says, “Freedom isn’t free, but asskickings are!”  More Guns N Roses (not Chinese Democracy GNR, more like Use Your Illusion GNR).  He and future Vice President Stone Cold Steve Austin hop in Grave Digger and ride off into the sunset.  I should have been a history teacher.

People seem to like lists, like “10 things about relationships/life/kids/your favorite movie.”  Most of them stink, this one probably will too, but here goes.

1) Public speaking is much easier after a couple beers and much worse for everyone else after a couple more.

2) If I met myself when I first started comedy, I wouldn’t have spoke to him.  Unless new comic me was willing to drive me to a gig.

3) I would rather headline a dogfight or tell jokes during a fire than listen to a brand new comedian ask me how to get paid after doing one five minute set.

4) Satellite radio is OK normally.  On a seven hour car trip it is essential.

5) I used to watch comedy once or twice a year and enjoy.  Now I watch it 3 times a week like Roger Ebert watched movies.

6) For every funny joke I’ve written, there are four hot steaming turds I wouldn’t do onstage if you threatened to cover me in honey and roll me in ants.

7) I learned once that there are sometimes two cities in a state with the same name and apparently, my GPS will pick the one three hours away, not the one 45 minutes away.

8) There is nothing more depressing than having a bad set then trying to sell shirts afterwards.  Take that back, same scenario, but you don’t sell anything.

9) Hecklers are people who are subconsciously yelling, “I WAS COOL IN HIGH SCHOOL BUT I DRANK EVERYONE OUT OF MY LIFE AND THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT FILLS THE DEPRESSING VOID IN MY SOUL!”

10) The two kinds of people that I’ve met that are the craziest are guys who like to fight strangers for fun and people who like to go up in front of strangers and tell them about your life hoping they’ll chuckle a few times and boost your self-esteem.  Like me!