I am a comedy coach

I got to do a unique show last night – the “Last Realtor Standing” at the Funny Bone.  For this one, I actually had to work with a realtor that had never done stand-up ever.  I had no idea how it would work, especially since there is no such thing as a comedy coach except maybe in a shitty Adam Sandler movie post 1999.

My student/poor soul that got my stupid ass as a coach called me up, “I’ve been watching a lot of stand-up to prepare.”  All I did the first time was drink nine beers and piss a table of mid-20’s girls off.  She was off to a good start.  Second thing that came up – “Should I do my own material or use other people’s?”  Hmm.  Send me your stuff.  Then I’ll answer.

The best part of coaching was that two of the realtors actually came to my open mic and saw the madness that is a free stage for people.  One of comics talked about mental issues extensively and another decided to extrapolate on oral sex and I could see the pure terror in both of their faces.  My advice afterwards was simple.  “Be cleaner and less scary than that.”

My protege did very well – apparently she didn’t drink nine beers like I did.  The show was a hit, but Team Coen didn’t win.  If comedy contests were like Facebook, I should have just shown baby pictures and I would have pulled off the victory.

Indiana Jones and His Wife’s Grocery List

Not a very exciting title, but it would have been easier to find the Lost Ark or Holy Grail over a woman’s grocery list.  Here’s how it breaks down.  Man and woman fall in love.  Woman gets bored, goes to Pinterest or some Pinterest-like website and finds a recipe that has a bunch of organic horseshit.  Man is forced to go to store, then another store, then back to original store, then 10 miles away to specialty store, which is closed that particular day.  Night is spent looking for stores that may have said item.

Man then realizes he buys lunch meat, beer and chunky soup so he will never find these items.  Almond bark?  What in the hell is that?  Should I buy that at a nursery?  Minced onions?  Can we just buy a mincer?  Spaghetti squash?  Is it spaghetti?  Squash?  Made up? It’s that big?  Why is it called spaghetti then?  Woman mocks man, yet NEVER goes to store, as though once convicted of shoplifting there.  Food is eaten.  Now recipe is done forever and for all times so process can begin anew with another ingredient, like kumquat sauce or unicorn horns.  Back to Pinterest.  Repeat.  In other news, I am looking into class action legislation against Pinterest for this and all the wedding decorations that ensnared me last year.  I’m shutting your ass down, scumbags!

Comedy and hot dogs

My pal Dustin Meadows set up a show this past week through Whiskey Bear Comedy called HOT DOG!  It was part comedy, part Japanese gameshow (where the point is to punish the participants) and a bit of an eating contest.  During short sets, all the comedians had to perform while there were unknown triggers.  If one of the parameters was met, a hot dog was sent onstage, where the dumb comic had to eat it before leaving.

I wasn’t sure how it would go – I got violently ill from a bad dime a dog night in 2003 and haven’t had hot dogs much since.  Surprise!  Eating 10 heat lamp cooked processed meat sticks made from pig ass don’t make you feel like a million bucks.

I tried to figure out what my buzz word was by saying “Pantera, Captain America, Busch Light, White Trash” right off the bat.  Nothing.  Turns out it was if I mentioned my wife, kid or sounded like a hillbilly.  I got six hot dogs and I caught on pretty quickly.  It was fun, although I should have been drinking Pepto Bismol, not Bud Light.

I think from the crowd’s reaction it was a hit idea.  There really was a little something for everyone.  Laughs, gluttony, pain…but I found out the real show was about an hour after I woke up the next morning.  Thank God they weren’t gas station hot dogs; the EPA might have got involved.

Adult toys – no, not those ones, you creep

About a year and a half ago, my lady saw a pretty cool new item on Kickstarter called the Coolest.  Kickstarter, for those that don’t know, is a website where if your idea is cool, people give you cash to get it going and get cool perks.  I thought a recliner that you can also use as a mini fridge and toilet would be sweet, but I’m sure there’s a health code and I’m too lazy to build it.  Plus product testing would suck.

Well, out of the blue, I got my Coolest.

How many Busch Light blender drinks are possible?
How many Busch Light blender drinks are possible?

That bad Oscar has a blender, a bluetooth speaker, an LED light and a USB.  Plus a bottle opener, for when I quit taking cans to parties in 2030.

It has everything but a bald eagle perch.
It has everything but a bald eagle perch.

More, you say?  Yes, it also has plates, a cutting board, a ceramic knife that I think you can kill pumas with, a bungee cord to strap other things on top, like dead pumas, and extra wide tires for off road drinky time.  The battery for the blender and charger lasts up to eight hours also, which by then, I’ll be unconscious.

The only drawback is that the day I got it, it was 43 degrees out, so now I have to stare at it until late Spring 2016.  That gives me time to practice my stabbing technique for all the puma attacks I anticipate when I go out with it.  I should probably also figure out what a bluetooth is and how to use it.

Remember when? The new parent edition

Remember when you used to eat food when you were hungry – when it was still hot or cold instead of room temperature?  When you were tired and used to sleep when that type of feeling hit you?  Remember when you thought breastfeeding in public was weird and not dear Lord, anything to get the baby to stop crying?

Remember when you didn’t aggressively support the death penalty, then someone woke up your baby by knocking on the door to get you sign a petition?  How about when a baby was crying and all you had to do was leave the room?  (Thank God I don’t have to deal with that!)  Remember when you thought parents that thought their kids were sick all the time were a little paranoid?  When did I shower last?  Friday or Tuesday?

The trash needs to go out – oh wait, that was three days ago.  Have I fed the dog and cat this week?  Is this shirt dirty?  Only one stain on it?  Yes, it’s clean.  Two stains?  Fuck it, I’m going to the store anyways.  Finally time to read those emails/newspaper/open bills – that email was for a sale last month/newspaper still has regular season baseball scores/this bill is past due.  Remember when your neck and/or shoulders didn’t hurt from holding a baby?  That time you thought a 12 pound infant wasn’t that heavy, then your arms cramped up, but now you can hold a baby for an hour without feeling it?

Remember when you were going to type a comedy blog and KJL:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  Sorry I fell asleep.  I’m goinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd  Fell asleep again.  I’ll finish this later.  Next week.  Maybe.  Have I brushed my teeth in the last 67 hours?  That, then finish the blog.

“I don’t know, do you have two buttholes?”

Sometimes the best moments in life come from out of leftfield.  My wife looks up everything baby related on her phone, so we get things like this.  Enjoy.

“It says sacral dimples are genetic.  Do you have a sacral dimple?”  What in the hell is that?  “It’s at the top of your butt.”  I don’t know.  “How do you not know?”  I’ve never looked at my butt that much, if at all.  “It’s a dimple above your butt.”  Like another butthole?  No, I don’t have two buttholes.  “It’s not another butthole.  You’ve never looked to check?”  It would be weirder if I had.  Here, you look.  “I’m not looking.  You should know what you have there.”  I don’t know, do you have two buttholes?  I’m pretty sure I don’t.

That was pretty much the end of the conversation.  This, of course, took place on our anniversary day.  Just to be safe, I either need to schedule an appointment with the ass doctor or discontinue internet service at the house.

In other news, I should have my book available in e-book form for purchase this week.  Stay tuned.