CHRIS COEN

I can deal with the fading eyesight, the thinning hair in the right places and the growing hair in the wrong places.  Please God, though, don’t make me eat healthy.  I won’t be able to go on.

When I was 18, I graduated high school and was signed on to play college football at a small college.  I was desperate to get to 200 lbs. for the program, especially since I was supposed to play offensive line.  I know, it sounds like a bad idea already, and you would be correct.  I tried lifting, then I realized that it was easier to eat the $1 Whoppers and switch from Busch Light to Icehouse and MGD.  Problem solved, until I got to camp and realized I wasn’t bigger, faster and stronger, just fatter.  My college athletic career didn’t last to year two, in case you were wondering.

Now I don’t drink nearly as much, eat better and run more than I did then, my shitty old metabolism is not doing its part.  Neither is my willpower.  My wife had me run to get her a slushie from Sonic.  As I was driving there, I thought, “I had ice cream yesterday, I should avoid any sweets.”  As I pulled in, I thought, “I’m definitely getting a blast.”  “Sorry, sir, our blast machine is broken,” the girl said to me.  “Can you still make milkshakes?”  “Yes.”  Oh thank the heavens!  God forbid I take advantage of the situation and skip the ice cream treat, no I’ll find a way to get that sugary dairy product into my swollen gut.  “Just pour the milk and sugar into a bucket, I’ll eat it!  Anything!  I’m a desperate man!”

Veteran’s Day is a day we honor those who serve in the U.S. armed forces.  It’s great, we parade a few of them around at NFL games, some get discounts at restaurants, then we pretty much say good luck.  Fix the wait times at the VA?  Nah, we have to find more government programs to spend money on, we’re only 19 trillion dollars in debt.  Improve job training and counseling for our vets after their active duty?  I’m sure they’ll figure it out.  Hey while we’re at it, let’s start a war, then make sure they have to ask permission to fire a gun at an enemy with an unrealistic list of engagement rules.  God forbid they shoot someone while trying to defend themselves.

Don’t let them carry firearms in their own bases; after all they’re probably not trained enough and I’m sure those terrorist shootings at military bases were just coincidences.  Make sure we demote or discharge those guys who beat up the Afghan warlord who had a 13 year old boy as a sex slave – it’s part of their culture after all.  We wouldn’t want to offend anyone.

If you haven’t guessed, I’m being a shade sarcastic.  I’m sure they appreciate the Facebook posts and 10% off at the chain restaurant, but I would encourage everyone to consider seeking out another way.  I googled ways to help a vet and a ton of sites came up.  http://www.cnn.com/2013/11/05/us/iyw-simple-ways-to-honor-veterans/ was just one in case you’ve never heard of the internet (how are you reading this?).  Oh and this is a comedy blog…I just made fart noises by sticking my hand under my armpit.  Trust me, it was hilarious.

One of the lowest forms of life in comedy is the joke thief.  They are usually subpar writers who go to shows, steal other comic’s material and pass it off as their own.  There is a common phenomenon known as parallel writing – guess what?  More than one comedian has written jokes about relationships, drinking, family, etc.  The thief though straight up loots the entire bit.  It happened to me pretty early on, but the funny thing I realized is that other comedians don’t respect the scumbags, so they don’t get as much work.  More importantly, I found out the guy that stole my joke couldn’t do it as well as me.  The problem solved itself quickly.

All that background was for this.  Recently, an 89 year old man was inspired by a couple Cincy comics Cam O’Connor and Mark Chalifoux, who did a cool thing by teaching a comedy class at a senior center.  Chuck Esterly went to an open mic comedy night with his jokes and became an internet sensation…until some scumdick at Slate.com decided to put out an article blasting him as a joke thief.  The only thing worse than a joke thief, it turns out, is a non-comedian internet writer attacking a guy old enough to have served in World War II.

Here’s the funny thing he doesn’t realize.  “Street” jokes are common property.  If you go onstage and do “a rabbi, a priest and a turtle walk into a bar” material, everyone with a brain knows it’s been done before.  If you have an uncle, you’ve probably heard these jokes at every family function.  No one bursts in the door and calls your Uncle Joe a hack and trashes him on the internet.  Plus, it’s an unpaid open mic.  This old guy wasn’t using this material to make $50,000 as an advance for a show.

The last point was one I thought of and another comic pointed out on a post of mine – the people this author cited as the originators of the jokes couldn’t have possibly written the jokes, they’ve been around forever.  He spent all this time to shame an old guy, who brought joy and inspiration to dozens at a club, then thousands online, but he was a complete and total boob.  He didn’t even understand the concept.  Plus a lot of older comics did “street” jokes as their act.  It was widely accepted and understood.  Sorry we didn’t give Paddy McGuillicuddy credit for the “walking into a bar” joke he wrote in 1873.  Plus Chuck is 89.  I doubt he surfed the web looking for shit to steal for his unpaid five minute set.

In summation, I won’t even name the writer or link to the article.  I did once and I regret giving the assbag any credit whatsoever.  I do however, hope you learn to research a topic before you trash someone.  That, and violent diarrhea in public.  Mostly the latter.

Last night the results came back and Ohio didn’t pass the legalization of marijuana.  Here’s some thoughts, since it was a hot button issue.

1. Maybe if you want weed legalized, make the ballot less confusing.  The basic beef was that a giant pot conglomerate was going to control the entire production.  Amazingly, this side issue was separate and pretty close – Ohio barely passed anti-monopoly laws.  No one really understood the bills until about Monday this week if at all; perhaps stoners thought it would ban board games.  Either way, most pot smokers hate big corporations – that part was done on purpose.

2. I guarantee your pot dealer voted against it.

3.  I shudder to think how many potheads went to vote at 4:20.

4. My grandma used to call every drug “the dope.”  Whomever wore a pot t-shirt to vote probably got every old person at the polling station scared of “the dope.”  Be happy skateboards weren’t on the ballot, those would have been banned too.

5. Nick Lachey being the face of the pro-legalization team would have worked much better in 2003.  Actually probably not.  Forget I said that, because 14 year old girls can’t vote.

6. Either way the vote would have turned out, your apartment hallway was going to smell like weed last night.

For everyone happy, keep in mind it will be back on the ballot within six years.  For everyone upset, remember it’s been illegal your entire life and that hasn’t stopped you.  Now if they try to raise the beer tax any time soon, I’m going to turn into Patrick Henry or Sam Adams.  Probably Sam Adams, he has a beer named after him.

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For about 12 years of my post college life, thanks to condo/apartment security doors and/or smart parents, I never had trick or treaters.  Now I do and I have been missing out.  This is a taste of last night’s Halloween fun.

I decided to put on a Captain America hoodie, because it’s easy and who doesn’t love Cap?  Hitler, that’s who.  Are you Hitler?  Didn’t think so.  Girl, snobby and loud – “You should be wearing a Human Torch costume too, because the same actor played both.”  Me – “I didn’t have time to set myself on fire, so this is what you get.”

Girl, dressed like a grim reaper – “I want all this candy!”  Me – “You should have dressed like a politician.”  She stared blankly at me.

Girl, dressed like a princess – “You are red, white and blue, like America  Cool!”  Me – “Are you my daughter?”  I actually said, yes I sure am.  She then said, “I’ll only take two, I have too much candy.”  This kid is either perfect or a commie spy.  I’ll have to watch this one.

Girl, dressed like a zombie – “You should be giving away Captain America shields, not candy!”  Me – “Well, I don’t have any of those, do you want the candy?”  Girl – “I guess.”  Sorry to let you down.

I saved my worst venom for the 14 year old dickbags who were barely dressed up.  Teen boy – “We are in a hurry, we want all the candy.”  (Buddy says YEAH!)  Me – “I can tell, your costumes stink.  You only get one piece of candy for the effort.”  I’ll probably regret it when they egg my house.

I was about to cancel it after that, then a kid with severe medical issues was walking up my driveway.  His arms and legs were bent and he could barely hold the plastic jack o lantern.  He stood at my step and paused.  His mom yelled from the street, “Can you make it up there?” “No, I don’t think so.”  Me – “Don’t worry kid, I’ll come over.  You can take as much as you want.”  Him – “I only need one.”  He grabbed one piece and hobbled back down the driveway.  I felt a little flood of human emotion like the Grinch on Christmas.  Quickly, get those 14 year olds back over here to piss me off before I turn into a nice person.  Happy Halloween, kid.  Come back next year.