Month: May 2011

Complaining is as natural to humans as breathing.  The “poor” in this country have big screen TV’s, A/C, Xbox 360’s and iPhones, plus vehicles and internet.  I try to be above it, but I am guilty too.  I was talking to a guy about my upcoming three state trip that is going to cover 1600 miles and take five days, but I’m the one who signed up for it.  Complaints negated.  Me complaining about taking paid work is like someone bitching that their free meal was too filling.  There are legitimate ones though…like my last show where, for some reason, my resume was on the board for the show.  It was my comedy resume from 2008, not meant for public viewing, yet it was sent to the club – complete with my home address, email, and phone #.  Even more disheartening was how embarrassingly empty it was.  At that point I had been doing comedy for about 16 months and I claimed such credentials as “Interviewed by several newspapers, including the Zanesville Times Recorder.”  What moron would look at that and say, “Ooooo!  I must put this master of comedy in my rotation!  He’s been interviewed by a newspaper once from a town of 27,000 people!”  Reminder to myself: RESEND CORRECT BIO INFO TO ALL BOOKERS TODAY.

Last night I went out w/ to a bar w/ some pals and they had a punching bag machine at the bar.  I wasted a couple bucks to hurt my arm, but I put up 921 lbs. of punching power into the obviously well constructed machine.  The record was 934.  Obvious cheating, b/c I am pretty much a superhuman.  Where the problem came was the rest of the night all I could think about is what my mighty right hand could do to others.  I looked at a 275 lb. country looking hoss and just imagined unloading on him.  I’m pretty sure he is in bad shape in virtual fight world.  Then I gazed over at a 5′ 2″ Snooki looking chick.  Inner thought: “She would probably die.  Not that I would ever hit a woman, but if she pulls a gun, GAME OVER.”  I am insane.  This is why I don’t go out much anymore.

1. Any stage time early is great.  Once you get your act down, some open mikes are useless.  If you do a show where there are six people who aren’t paying attention, you’re not building your act, you’re building rage issues and alcoholism.

2. The out of towner/guy who claims he’s a big deal elsewhere is full of shit.  When I started, two guys come to mind.  One said he was on the Tonight Show and everyone believed him.  I pressed him on details and he had none.  He couldn’t tell me when it was, how much he was paid, or who else was on the show.  Another guy said he was Richard Pryor’s son.  Guess what, ass clown?  If you’re not funny, you could be Jesus Jr. and I still think you suck.

3. Emcees who do five minutes between every comic at a 25 person open mike are evil.  I have things to do and there are four people in the crowd.  Move it along.

4. If you have less than ten minutes of jokes, don’t bitch about not getting paid.  Who books people for six minutes of jokes?

5. If you’re funny when your friends show up and think you’re awesome…do a show when they quit coming.  New comics that bring a ton of friends are like old movies of early aviation.  Sure, they get off the ground, but just wait for it…the crash is coming soon, cowboy.

I believe in charity.  Charity is good.  That said, I had a disturbing incident today I have to talk about.  I still a have a “real” job and this happened Tuesday.  A lady at a non-profit organization called me and here is our conversation, edited for time and interest.  Lady: “We need you to send this material to your customer so they can make our product, but you need to give the stuff free.” (Side note: This lady has never talked to my company before and I can’t sell to end users)  Me: “Well, I can discount it and even ship it free, but I can’t take a loss, that’s our policy b/c we get so many requests for free materials and we can’t verify the sources or afford to give the stuff away.”  Lady:  “Well, if you don’t give it to our organization for free, I will call your customers and tell them what you are doing to us and you will lose business.”  Eh?  “Ma’am, are you blackmailing our company?”  “Well, you know what you have to do.”  Click.  I got mafiosoed by a non-profit health issue based company and I feel less confident in humanity.

I hate tattletales, but I am strongly tempted to call this monster’s boss and report this, even though I am so against that act.  Imagine Girl Scouts planting sex offender fliers up in your neighborhood if you don’t buy Thin Mints.  As a comic I get asked to do benefit shows all the time, which I mostly do, if they’re worth a damn.  The only one I ever turned down was one 110 miles from my house, no gas money paid, to raise money for war protestors to go to Washington.  Use your van and your gas money morons, I’ll save the jokes for cancer bennies.  I am still debating calling this chick back, but my temper is so awful, it may not be a good plan.  I tend to overreact and break things…like office phones and the basic human spirit.  I’m like the Incredible Hulk, except less green and more saavy with a VOIP phone system.

I watched a show last night about the Amish who leave their communities.  It was really boring and interesting at the same time, much like half my blogs.  Apparently once they leave, they’re not supposed to return unless it’s full committment return.  This is pretty cold, but who wants those damn English and their cars ruining your good morals?  I did laugh, b/c no matter what, they can’t shake those wacky Amish accents.  It sounds like a Minnesota accent, only not as aggressive.  Plus, this is truly the one group I don’t worry about offending at all.  They’re not reading this, unless lumber or butter churns have internet apps now.

I was talked into going to a not-so-great gentlemen’s club Saturday night.  Apparently gentlemen drink canned beer and 40’s, wear t-shirts long enough to be summer dresses, or go alone to peruse the talent creepily, but I will move on.  I finally found something worse than doing comedy to seven apathetic strangers.  Stripping.  When did strippers not have to be hot to take off all their clothes for strangers?  If you’ve never been to a strip club, think of Hooters and how they will pretty much put anything out there these days.  If you’ve never been to a strip club or Hooters, you’re too uptight to keep reading.  Please go to another website.

One chick out of the whole lot Saturday was what I would consider “hot”, but she had more tattoos than a prison gang.  I like tattoos, hell I have one, but once you hit double digits, you’re out of control.  Plus, other than a huge tatty on the side of the neck, nothing is less attractive than ink on a titty.  How’s that going to look in a decade?  The rest of the crew was pretty OK to downright fugly.  (I have never typed that word in my life.  I don’t know how I feel about that.)  Look, I can’t understand periodic tables.  Therefore, I am not a chemist.  When you weigh 210 lbs. at 5’4″, have A cups, and can’t heft your cottage cheese leg past six inches…don’t strip.

I like strip clubs.  I like strippers.  I like lugging in my own beer and looking at naked women.  Yet bad strip clubs are like bad anything else.  Example: I love football, but I’m not going to pay to see your high school tapes of football.  St. Mary’s vs. Cedarville in 1994?  And you were a 155 lb. pulling guard?  Fascinating!  Pop in the tapes!  Plus as a side note, is there anything worse than when a sexy dancer gets you all worked up, then moves and you make eye contact with a 52 year old balding man sitting on the other side of the stage?  I say no.  You nearly have a stroke as your brain goes from sexy time mode to Oh my God, this is the gayest eye contact I have ever had.