Let’s face it, if you watch the news, it’s a veritable grab bag of animal droppings. Even this story I’m about to share is awful, in many respects. I saw this pop up on my feed -`http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/03/health/cancer-patient-christmas-trnd/index.html
It’s a story about a nine year old that’s been fighting cancer for over half his life and has been given a month to go. He wants to get a bunch of Christmas cards, so click the link and send him some cards. As in now, please. Also, if you’re on Twitter, hit up @starwars and ask them to get him a movie viewing. They did it for a guy once who was a huge fan, so I know they can do it for a kid. (He’s a huge Star Wars fan). That would be really cool – not sure if there’s any other way to message them; I’m not exactly connected to Hollywood these days…or ever.
So to recap – 1) send this kid a card and 2) tag @starwars on Twitter to see if they can help arrange a movie viewing soon (it comes out in December) and 3) come see me at the Columbus Funny Bone tonight and buy all my books for stocking stuffers. OK, forget #3, but do the other two if you can and spread the word. I’ll hashtag stuff, kids seem to follow that. #trump #nfl #xbox #beer #nakedpicturesofsomeone #russia #freemoney
Last Saturday I had a show to raise money for the Botkins Fire Department. Side note – women reaaaaalllyyy love firemen. It really is some kind of voodoo magic. Well, good news, ladies, I was a volunteer fireman for three days in high school, but the other two guys quit and I couldn’t do the program myself, so I had become a gym aide for the credit. Of course, I wanted to quit when they made me hoe weeds in 95 degree heat while I they sat in the shade and drank cold Mountain Dew, but the other two beat me to it
The night got off to a good start when I got pulled over five miles from the venue. I had a headlight out, but the cop was cool and let me off. I sure the karma in the universe shifted and I’ll get diarrhea this week while I’m driving for that good fortune. They were putting away the food when I walked in, but thank God they still had some in the back, so I got the last possible plate (more diarrhea heading my way, I’m sure). I think the entire crew was at the show so I was hoping no one had a fire in Botkins. I’m sure nothing interrupts a set like 15 guys sprinting for the exits. I’m used to only 10 doing that per joke.
The show went very well, both comics, Kenny Mock and Josh Sneed, killed it also and the emcee did well also. He was their 77 year old local sheriff and mentioned that this was the only fire department not to have to pass a tax levy thanks to this fundraiser and two chicken cookouts. Of course, he did 25 minutes of crowd work also. Good luck lighting a man nearing 80 who can also arrest you after the show.
I forgot to plug my merchandise during the show, because my real job is in sales, so why would I remember to mention my book and beer coozie? They closed out the show with an auction, which was interesting. One item was an Ohio State mini bar on wheels with a cooler built in and four liquor dispensers. They kept tossing liquor bottles on top of it to raise the bids. Some tall drunk guy meandered over by me and said, “What’s for sale?” I raised my arm to point and it hit me that I nearly bid $500 with that move. Luckily no one saw me or I would have been dragging a mini bar behind my car at 70 mph. Looks like three days of diarrhea for this guy coming this week!
I love Halloween. Not for the candy and costumes, but because the spawn of Hades will be freed from his ancient shackles and the darkness will cloud the land…I mean I love candy! Forget I said that!
We took our peanut out and found that apparently everyone in my new neighborhood is a stingy asshole, because we had to pass six houses before we found candy being offered. (My mother in law was passing out our candy, relax before you accuse me of being a hypocrite – I bought Reese’s Pieces, so shut your yaps).
It was a good time and even the dumb dragon dog enjoyed herself. When I went to the office Wednesday, we shared stories. I then had two separate co-workers tell me adults in their 30’s with no costumes asked for candy – some with their kids, others without. First off, under no, and I mean no circumstance should you ask for candy over 15 unless you went goofy with insulin and you need sugar to keep from dying. Second, at least have the shred of decency to wear a costume. Lastly, I don’t know if it’s worse to show up without kids or be a lump of crap in front of them.
If an adult shows up to my house next year and says trick or treat, I’m yelling trick and kicking them in the soft parts or telling them to mow my front yard and I’ll think about it. Thanks for ruining Halloween, bums.
I went back to my old house this weekend to clean and put some highly potent tub seal paint in our bathtub and on the tile. I really wanted my wife to do it, but apparently being pregnant is a problem in this and 134 other countries with this paint. So I sucked it up (literally, I may altered my DNA) and got to work.
I had use a bucket, first with bleach and water, then an adhesion promoter with a scour pad. It was getting potent, so I put on rubber gloves and a respirator, making several trips in and out of the bathroom while blaring music. I finally walked past a mirror and realized any neighbor looking in the windows is 100% sure I’m a full blown serial killer dissolving a body in the tub. Especially since I had to come back after five hours for the second coat. Oh well, at least I have yet to terrify my new neighbors, but I found out the gas station down the street carried this.
One of the hardest parts about typing a blog regularly is finding good topics to write about, and in my case, hopefully mildly humorous or funny. I have been slammed with moving and preparing our old house to sell, so I thought I would scan the headlines last night and see what hot, trendy topics could help jog the brain into action.
I found seven stories about rapists and sexual assault, six headlines about political topics, three stories of parents neglecting their children which led to their deaths, a husband murdering his wife, several Star Wars and comic book movie headlines and finally an animal abuse article. Thanks, news! I can’t wait until the laughs start flowing from my fingertips.
Then I heard my daughter say, “I got boogie in there” and “Where did pants go?” as she ran around, defying any attempt to clothe her without a severe and epic battle for the ages. Maybe I’ll stop reading news articles and try to find these damn pants or teach her how to fish that boogie out. I’m good at one of those things.
With moving comes changes, so I’ve been trying to think of solutions for the real world. Here are some practical ideas for those, who like me, would rather be rolled in honey and tossed onto an ant mound, rather than home improvement projects.
“I love this new back yard. The dog can run, it’s so open.” Wife: “We probably should mow today.” 2.5 hours later – “We’re turning this back yard into a cockfighting pit or covering everything with putt putt green and windmills.”
“The trash is tomorrow; each bag has to have a sticker that costs $2.90. Should we buy bigger bags?” (Spends rest of night researching fake stickers and driving around, looking for easy access dumpsters; as a back up, plans on dumping trash into neighbor’s bags at midnight.)
“We need a shed for all these Christmas decorations.” (Converts to Judaism, tosses 15 totes of Christmas decorations, mostly into dumpster behind Wendy’s before being chased off by assistant manager)
Finds tree former owner forgot to plant, still in bucket. “We should plant that over there, make a nice tree line.” (Gives neighbor tree on condition he helps me find fighting cocks or big clown mouth putt putt obstacle.)