• Come for the animals, stay for the people

    Posted by on September 26, 2018

    Another family zoo trip in the books – another fun interaction with the best animal to see: people.  The trip was quite exciting.  I rode a camel with my daughter.  Camel is an ancient word meaning “ball smasher with a hump.”  I might as well have volunteered my beanbag to sub into a whack-a-mole game.  We also saw a whole multitude of animals, including the following…

    Old lady in full zoo keeper garb.  She was the best – husband, dressed like a normal old guy, white tennis shoes, slacks, golf shirt.  The wife?  Full length khaki cargo vest and pants, seventy pockets and a zookeeper’s hat.  She was at least 80 and I could only wonder, did she have this from back in the day or had she spent years scouring yard sales for the perfect outfit?

    Camo guy.  Every.  Single.  Time.  I.  Go.  To.  The.  Zoo.  I can’t visit the zoo without an army (no pun intended) of camo guys.  Not military, but hunter camo.  Like the zoo is going to need them to step up and take down a charging elephant.  If they didn’t have a conceal and carry policy, I’m convinced they would all have scoped hunting rifles strapped to their backs.  HEY RANDY, WE GOT THIS ONE.  YOU CAN RELAX.

    Poop!

    It’s great to meet your heroes.

    Quite unexpectedly, poop was there.  I guess from the Emoji movie, haven’t parent suffered through that one yet.  It was cartoon day and my daughter saw Dora, Scooby-Doo, an Angry Bird (lame) and then the poo de grace, if you will – Poop.  My brain went, “Who would dress up like poop and walk around…ME!  ME!  ME!”  The best part was her talking about seeing poop for three days after more than the animals, well, except the testicle crimper known as a camel.

    At least I know if things go south with comedy, I can pick up some side cash dressing up as a pile of yesterday’s supper and frighten children.  America really is the best country.

  • Top Nintendo (NES) games of all time

    Posted by on September 20, 2018

    I saw an article that said top 100 Nintendo (NES) games of all time and it was pure, unadulterated trash, so here’s the real one.

    Best Sports Game – Tecmo Super Bowl.  Baseball Stars was great, being the first sports game you could custom build a whole team, but the jump in football games was astronomical in Tecmo.  Full lineups for every team, stat tracking, fun factor through the roof.  There wasn’t a better football game after that for six or seven years.  Except the running backwards to the goal line trash and the 40 yard dropback followed by a 76 yard bomb.  That was dumb.  Runner-up: Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.  Can’t get over the dumbness of your boxer being 115 lbs. and fighting 300 pound heavyweights, but great otherwise.

    Best RPG – Final Fantasy.  Dragon Warrior gets points for being the first, Final Fantasy was better overall.  (I never played the Dragon Warrior sequels) Maniac Mansion was too bizarre and Shadowgate, while great, had little in replay value (although I love that game).  FF also had a character in the Black Mage that looked like Orko from He Man, but when you leveled up he changed to a boring turd magician or it would’ve won outright.  Crystalis also up there.

    Best Nintendo Classic title – Tie: The Legend of Zelda, Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse, and Super Mario Brothers 3.  Zelda 2 very underrated, but the first one was the best until the Super NES came out.  Mario 3 is better than the first two combined.  You can disagree, but YOU’RE WRONG.  Castlevania 3 had the best soundtrack of any NES game.  I’m listening to it now for inspiration.  Runners-up: Mega Man also fun but they made 600 of them.  Metroid close, but it took them a decade for a sequel.

    Games I liked that everyone else will say, “What in the hell is that game?” – Nightshade was funny and unique, hard as hell.  Pirates! was a blast.  Defender of the Crown was repetitive, but I like history, so sue me.  Duck Tales is the most underrated game they made.  I’m sad to admit Scrooge McDuck bouncing on a cane is fun, but they hit a home run.

    Games that are popular but sucked – Battletoads was trash.  Blatant Ninja Turtles rip off and impossible to beat.  Dr. Mario was a Tetris hack.  Take the code away from Contra and literally no one talks about that game.  I liked it, but are you shitting me with three lives?  DUCK HUNT IS PILE OF HUMAN FECES.  BOOOOOORRRRRRING.  Excitebite is a turdfest.  Fun for seven minutes.  RC Pro AM is way better.

    Well, that’s all I got on this, feel free to comment and call me horrible internet names and set fire to your computer, but I beat Ninja Gaiden, the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and even Golgo 13, so I am pretty much a video game master, mostly because I made it through Golgo 13, holy crap that game was ridiculous.

  • I took my talents to South Beach

    Posted by on September 17, 2018

    I had to go to Miami for job stuff last week.  It’s always strange to review a city – I’ve been in Columbus for 16 years and haven’t been everywhere here.  People ask, “How was ____?”  They are basically asking, “How were the two restaurants you went to and the airport?”  THE AIRPORT SUCKED…is there a good airport?  It’s huge and hot and full of people.

    As for the rest, it was nice.  I didn’t see the beach at all and it was hotter than Satan’s taint, but not bad.  The first night we went to the trendy spot, which meant driving through a warzone to get there.  I actually saw a drug deal on the sidewalk on the way.  Fun!  Someone muttered “gentrification” – look, if the alternative is eating next to drug deals, gentrify it up.  The bar/restaurant was an actual butcher, so I loved it.  Great food and I got a jalapeno and cheddar burger I saw them pick right out of the display.  Miami is also 85% Hispanic/Cuban also.  More Spanish than English, although a lot of Spanglish.  I would hear something in rapid fire Spanish, followed by, “You know what I mean?”  That was really unique to hear.

    Every bar needs this.

    Day 2 we ate at a really nice place, but we tried a local favorite “ceviche” which is seafood cooked in acids.  It was horrendous.  Imagine the worst part of sushi (which I like) and you lick a battery after each bite.  Then again, everyone else was gobbling it up, so I guess I’m the weirdo.  The main course was great though.

    Mmmm…acidy!

    In summation, this city had cool stuff, sketchy areas, was hot in September like every single city in America.  I think I have a future in writing a travel blog.

  • I don’t think you paid attention at Stranger Danger class

    Posted by on September 10, 2018

    I had to visit a high school last week for work.  I rarely go to schools, but this trip was extra special, when I pulled in, it was raining like monsoon season in Thailand.  I waited out the rain, but it wouldn’t stop, so instead, 3 inches of lake formed around my car.  The second I stepped out, I felt water flood up over my shoes into my socks.  And the day is ruined.

    I was already drenched, carrying my laptop bag, when I entered the door.  There were dozens of students crammed in the foyer, waiting for a chance to escape to lunch.  From behind me, I heard, “HEY!”  “BIG GUY!”  “LET ME HOLLA AT YA!”  I tend to avoid eye contact in general with strangers, so I thought it was for someone else until my shoulder was grabbed.  “Hey!  I’m tryin’ to get one of them rides!”  Excuse me?  “Get me a ride!”  A very confident young kid stood before me, asking a total stranger for a ride.  “I’m here for a sales call, not rides.”  He asked again.  “I am here for sales, can’t do it.”  “SALES?!  Alright.  SALES?”  He walked away.

    Here’s a few problems.  First, I’m coming into the building, not leaving.  I’m pretty sure that’s the international language for not leaving soon.  Second, I’m carrying stuff in, so it’s even more obvious I’m not there to pick someone up.  Third, DON’T GET IN THE CAR WITH STRANGERS.  EVER.  Fourth, as strongly as you should be against hitching rides from strangers, I’m that and more against PICKING UP STRANGERS ESPECIALLY KIDS.

    The good news is that I didn’t see any Amber Alerts on my phone that night, so apparently no one else gave that kid a ride.  The bad news is that I’m pretty sure that’s not a one time incident.  Looks like the “Don’t trust strangers” speech is getting prioritized extra early with my kids.  Well that, or the “Don’t be a dumbass and ask for rides from strangers” speech, anyways.

  • Sometimes the strangers talk to you

    Posted by on September 4, 2018

    My wife and I, in the fun joyous time that is packing for a quick trip for two children and ourselves, forgot the medicine in the refrigerator for the kids’ ears.  If you’ve never packed for a child, take whatever you pack for yourself and times it by 347, then cram it all into something smaller than a military transport vehicle.

    We were able to call it in and run to a small town pharmacy – a small town pharmacy on a Saturday night looks like a carnival ran into…well, another trashier carnival.  We were behind a woman who’s hair belonged on the set of the Outsiders.  A man to the right wore overalls and house slippers.  But the best was yet to be seen.

    A cell phone rang and my wife instinctively looked over.  A woman, wearing a shirt that pictured a cat, in Uncle Sam wear, holding a sparkler and riding a bald eagle.  “That’s my phone, not yours!” she bellered.  The man next to her had his head cocked to the side so far I thought he would fall over.  His wide eyed stare entered my soul for a hot second, but I was able to look away before I turned into stone.

    Minutes later, she approached, for no reason.  “My son would love that shirt!”  She pointed at my wife’s Ohio State tee.  There were probably five Ohio State tees being worn in the store, as it was gameday.  Her teeth looked like she brushed the bottom half of the top row only.  A brownish red stripe ran across the Maginot line of gunk.  “He’s 17, but has the mind of a 15 year old.”  Well, there’s a huge difference.  She began telling us about a blanket she got him.  My only thought was “don’t look at her teeth or the staring guy”.  While she spoke, the gazer mumbled to the pharmacy clerk and once they understood him, got six bottles of pills.  SIX.  The lady was blathering on about the blanket, but the pills finally broke her tale and we were able to escape, somewhat unscathed.  We finally got our kids’ medicine and ran for the exit, afraid to look back, lest we turn into a pillar of salt like Lot’s wife.  I will never return to this cursed land.

  • Who you want in the crowd and who you don’t

    Posted by on August 31, 2018

    I did a show last night at Two Dollar Radio Headquarters, not a radio station, but a bookstore/coffeeshop/bar, because names are goofy in 2018.  The show was actually call Unicorn Level Comedy Hour, because with a three year old daughter, I need more unicorns in my life.  It was a great crowd and made me realize further what crowds work in comedy, which do not.

    Good – Small group of friends, 3-5 people.  Bad – Huge group of friends getting together for the first time in a few months.  Small groups pay attention, look at each other when a joke hits close to home.  Huge groups start telling stories and it’s over.  Every time a gaggle of eight or more sits in the front row, you are in trouble.

    Good – Old weird people.  Bad – Old drunk weird people by themselves.  Old weird people give good feedback by occasionally giving weird input, since they are, well weird.  Usually yelling something like, “Hey, I like English literature!” or “That’s the kind of porn I like!” randomly.  Old weirds drunk and alone yell that every single joke.  It goes from “Hey, this is kind of helping my joke” to “Oh God, please let the ceiling fall on this guy.”

    Good – Friends of one of the comics.  Bad – Friends of the bar staff.  Friends of comics usually pay attention.  Friends of the bar staff hope they get free drinks and black out.  Plus the latter are always there, so they feel entitled and wouldn’t shut up if you were giving away the location of Blackbeard’s treasure onstage.

    Good – People having some drinks.  Bad – Blackout Billy, the guy who thinks he’s funnier or the bar’s number one regular.  My favorite interaction with a drunk ass who thought he was funnier was when I ran an open mic.  He started heckling, then paid me $20 to go onstage.  He did about 90 seconds, bombed and left the bar.  The whole time the sign up sheet was still open…for free.  Best $20 I ever made.  The bar’s number one regular, though, thinks he (or she) is the sun of the heliocentric tavern world and will refuse be interrupted.  I had a guy heckle me at a cancer benefit once – just before the show he was loudly talking about slow pitch softball.  By all means, please tell us more!  Comedy?  Meh.  Stories about sacrifice fly balls and Texas shootout doubleheaders between First Lutheran Church of Christ and Terry’s Radiator and Clutch?  HELL YES!

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