Category: Uncategorized

November.  The time to be thankful.  Nothing says thankful like the sun going down at 5 pm and the weather turning from “Hey, those leaves are pretty” to “If I wear a coat indoors, I’ll sweat to death in the mall, but if I don’t I’ll freeze to death walking from my car.”  With that, I thought it would be easier to list things I’m not thankful for!

1 – My dog’s nails.  Now that Bean is in the “golden” years, (he’s a old and a golden retriever!  Hahaha, I’m so witty!) he staggers around much like his owner (for different reasons).  What this means, is that he clicks and clacks his nails every morning on the hardwood floors about one to two hours before my alarm goes off.  Maybe I can get him a dog Rascal or some mittens.

2 – Single ply toilet paper and a Speedway bathroom.  There are no details needed on this topic.

3 – Shows like America’s Funniest Home Videos and Ridiculousness.  Hit in the balls, funny animal, more ball blasting, funny kid, repeat for ten years.  See also shows that play indie rock, coffee shop, crap music over every dramatic scene.  Yuck.

4 – Silk boxers.  I got a pair of those once.  I didn’t know a garment could wrap around, twist, ball up, do somersaults and generally treat my undercarriage like a jungle gym, just by standing up.

5 – Fast food.  Every time I lose a pound and a half, I pass by a fast food joint that has a 1400 calorie treat for $1.39.  How is a burrito and a double cheeseburger cheaper than an apple or orange?  I’m thankful for America, though.  Only here are our poor people fat.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Tonight, I’ll be hosting the semi-finals of the Open Mic Talent Search at the Columbus Funny Bone.  I have a lot of fun hosting these, it’s great to perform in a contest setting when you’re not actually in the contest.  The comics bring a lot of people, then nervously pace around the bar hoping everyone else bombs or their so-called friends no showed like most of theirs did.  The crowd usually hates everyone, including the friendly emcee, until someone kills and loosens them up.  Due to the shark tank atmosphere, the crowd devours the weak with glares and hate until they get drunk enough to not care anymore.

I have declared to myself every time I get in a contest that I will never do it again, which will be enforced tonight when I see half the contestants get bounced and go home crestfallen.  Then I will put down the mic and realize my next performance will be in Cleveland, in front of strangers, most of whom hate me, competing against 11 other comics, who will hate me, for a contest title that I have a one in 48 chance to win.  In other words, after next week, I will either be ecstatic…or one of the pissed off 47 swearing I will never do another contest again.  See you Monday, Cleveland!  www.clevelandcomedyfestival.com

Extreme Cheapskates, one of my favorite shows, is on.  I’m pretty thrifty in my beer choices, I drink garbage…but I also like it.  Maybe I’m not frugal, I’m an alkie.  At least I don’t scrape leftovers off people’s plates at restaurants or use washrags to wipe my ass like the maniacs I watched this weekend.  Hand me an Old Milwaukee, please.

From watching the commercials, I realized this channel is weirdos, uninteresting dating shows, little people and medical freaks.  Want to learn math or science on the Learning Channel?  Nope!  Want to learn about history or geography?  Not here!  Want to see a person whose skin falls off when they sneeze or watch Alaskan women try to find love in a beach setting?  We got that covered!  You’re welcome, now you’re all smart and shit.

I have performed in Ohio more than any other state.  This is not shocking, since I live in Ohio.  Plus my car has taken an ass-whipping traveling from Minnesota to Georgia and everywhere between.  I would do every show in my basement if I got paid, but that’s not the case and I would be a crazy person…or more crazy, technically.

That said, I have never performed in Cleveland.  I apparently have as many fans in Cuyahoga County as Ben Roethlisberger.  Well, that all changes November 11.  I will be performing in the Cleveland Comedy Festival this year, competing against 48 comics for the title.  http://www.clevelandcomedyfestival.com/  There is a whole host of shows that week and it’s all found on the show tab on this very site…you should be able to figure that out, you’re already here.  Hopefully I can turn this week into something positive.  If in doubt, I can yell Lebron sucks and spike the mike down.  That would be good for top 45.  Plus this would make me the winner of every major city in Ohio’s comedy contests!  Except Toledo…and Dayton…and the Circleville Pumpkinfest comedy show.  I’ll get you someday, Pumpkinfest!

I haven’t been to downtown Cincy in a while, usually when I’m here I’m over the river enjoying a beer or twelve on the Kentucky side.  I was in town and got to enjoy the good restaurants, diverse bars and the 72 homeless panhandlers per square mile.  Holy shit, Cincy, get it together.

At one point, I went to an ATM, only to see a homeless guy pulling food out of a trash can.  We made eye contact, unfortunately, and he set up camp next to the ATM.  No cash for me today!  I came out of the garage and a man in a shabby suit, stained shirt and wearing brown boots (one pantleg in, one pantleg out) approached me.  “Hey man, my mom’s funeral had a fuse blow and we don’t know how many people were coming and I need gas money it’s in Chattanooga my wife and kids are in the car over there can I get a couple bucks for gas it’s my mother’s funeral.”  I typed it like that because that’s how he spoke.  First, there was no car over there.  Second, what does a fuse have to do with gas money?  Not sure.  Third, I have been cornered three times this morning, no thanks.  Good effort on the story, but amazingly, every other person has just run out of gas!  What a coincidence.

My time tested excuse is always, “Sorry man, I don’t carry cash.”  One guy said, “OK, can you buy me a sandwich, the store is right over there.”  Damnit!  I found the VP of sales in Homeless, Inc.  Good move, sir.  I stared at him.  “I’ve been getting hit up by everybody, sorry.”  I almost felt bad…then I walked 35 feet and a guy said, “Hey man, I just ran out of gas and…”  “NO MORE!!!”  He backed off instantly.  Now I figured it out.  Out crazy them!

I saw a lot of coverage regarding college campuses cracking down on Halloween costumes.  No longer are any references to ethnicity, even including white trash, permitted on campuses at an ever increasing rate.  I say it’s about time.  How dare someone wear a costume (definition: a set of clothes in a style typical of a particular country or historical period.  Oh wait, that’s the point) poking fun of someone who will probably never see them wearing it, unless the media scours Facebook and Instagram with their tergid hard-ons for finding news where it doesn’t exist?  With that in mind, here are more banned costume ideas.

Turd.  This is offensive to assholes, implying they stink.  Next thing you know, buttholes will strike, causing mass death from toxic shock as poo backs up in our bowels.  Ban turd costumes now!

Slutty _____.  This is clearly out of line.  Who wants to offend women who clearly have no self respect?  That’s ridiculous.  Only nuns and burkas, I say.  Oh wait, those could be ethnic.  Hmm.  Sorry ladies, only business suits with long pants, don’t want to offend anyone.

Super Heroes.  Look at all these kids, clearly offending fictional super villains.  I’m surprised the non-existent Joker hasn’t sued the unreal Batman in magicland court for a lack of fairness in the costume market.  Kids have to wear black unitards now and go as independent street performers.

There, I think that should cover it.  Good thing I’m here to set people straight.  Now excuse me, I have to put on a UNICEF sandwich board and go trick or treating as Captain Happypants.   I’ll not accept candy, only hugs and compliments.  Happy Halloween!