Year: 2013

I am not exactly a fashion or style icon.  I own about 60 t-shirts, only four which have been purchased since 2011.  I cut my toenails with scissors and my fingernails with my teeth.  You get the point.  Yet for some reason, when I get my haircut, it’s a spinning wheel of possibilities for the hairdresser.

My hair is thick (not as much in certain spots anymore) and gets curly when it gets long.  This is advantageous for me, as my method of styling it is to let it air dry after I shower.  Yesterday’s haircut wasn’t bad except that she kept talking with her hands, which was somewhat terrifying.  I tipped her well, however, because unlike most, she didn’t decide to gel up my hair into a faux hawk or try and make me look like an angry lesbian by blow drying the front into a puff ball.

I have a very simple rule in haircuts, make it look like this (I point at my head), but shorter.  Do this, and be tipped well.  Beyond that, have fun and God bless.  Oh, and to the lady that gave me a perm when I was nine at the Colony Square Mall in 1988, I will find you someday, and you will know my pain.

I think as an entertainer, one of the phrases that wears me out most is “I’ll have to check you out sometime.”  Example, I met some people I had never seen before.  “I heard you do jokes!”  Well, not really, but in order to move this conversation along…yes, I do jokes.  I get onstage and regurgitate jokes everyone has already heard rather than original material.  Whatever, they’re being nice.

Then one of the ladies asked if I had ever been to Livonia, Michigan.  Yes, but I didn’t perform there, I was passing through town.  “Oh, I love that place.”  Me: Joey’s, right?  “Yes, I go there all the time.”  All the time, as in you didn’t remember the name.  OK.  “I’ll check you out next time you’re up there!”  OK, great!  I am fully aware that she will 1) not be able to pick me out of a police lineup in 56 seconds’ time and 2) I am currently not booked there, so the chances that she will scour their lineup every week for the next year until, maybe, I get booked there is somewhere between zero and I’ll never drink again.  In other words, zero.

In fairness, I do someone similar to this also.  It must be some dumb human trait, like how people say they’re coming to a party or event on Facebook and no show, just to get that initial acceptance from others.  People always ask me if I have heard of someone and inexplicably, I say, “Yes, sounds familiar!  I think I ran into them once!”  Then I act like someone is calling me or I have to pee or jab myself in the leg with my car keys because I have no idea who in the hell they’re talking about.  “Wow, looks like I’m bleeding!  Well, catch you later!”

Disney’s latest movie is Planes.  It’s about cartoon planes.  The tag – “If you’re looking for a hero…”  Cartoon versions of inanimate objects as heroes?  That’s dumb.  Of course, I collect bobbleheads, action figures and just got a free poster for pre-ordering Grand Theft Auto 5.  Maybe I should shut up.  On a side note, it’s official, I hate more than half of new movies and 75% of new music.  I am a certified old asshole now.  Get off my lawn!

Inside tip to the cops investigating the Aaron Hernandez murder: Tom Brady is behind the whole thing.  Arrest him now…or at least before the playoffs.  He’s clearly guilty.  You’ll get yours, you smug bastard.

There is a “Honey Boo Boo: Watch N’ Sniff” coming up.  It’s official.  It’s the beginning of the Apocalypse.  Enjoy the horror of the next seven years.  I don’t know how a watch n’ sniff works, but I hope the smell is a car running in a closed garage if I am forced to watch this atrocity.  Sleep…sleep Coen…yes…

I only blogged a couple times last week, thanks to my first real vacation in about six years.  Usually, I only use vacation days for important things like paid comedy gigs or hangovers, but I actually have built up some time at work…and my schedule is rather light.  I’m sure it’s not my act, I’m very talented and good looking.  Must be something else!

I went with my fiance’s family.  I could almost hear in my head before the trip, “Oh, you’re getting another beer?”  Luckily, it was actually pretty relaxing, but I had never taken an extended trip with children since I was one.  Day one, 8 am, two boys decided I was a lazy sack and woke me up.  I was so stunned by their absolute bravery, I was almost impressed.  Almost.  They must have been horrified at what I looked like at that ungodly hour, because they let me sleep in the rest of the week.

I got to take my dog also.  I realized the fun of letting him swim in Lake Michigan was immediately surpassed by the realization that you have a 90 lb. dog covered in dirty lake water and sand.  Well, there goes that moment.  Looks like I’ll have to throw him in my neighbor’s pool in the future.  I’m sure they won’t mind, they never say anything when he shits in their yard.  Of course, when they make eye contact with me, I drag my thumb across my neck and grimace.  It’s easier than picking up dog turds with a Giant Eagle bag.

(Former) Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested for murder this week and it looks like he pulled off the worst crime in quite a few years.  He made Jodi Arias look like Professor Moriarty.  From early reports, he used his own cell to text and call from his own phone, leaving a literal road map of evidence with footnotes.  He then killed a guy that he had picked up, who had been seen leaving with him, a mile from his house.  As dumb as he was, I think his pals may have been stupider.  They actually heard this moronic plan and went along with it.

I like to think if one of my buddies texted me to come over late night that something needed “taken care of”, I would assume his sump pump went out or his girlfriend set fire to his shit in the front yard.  I then like to think I would pull in, realize he was talking about MURDERING SOMEONE…I would come up with something other than “OK, sounds great!”  Umm, I’m sorry, I thought you just told me you plan on killing a guy who disrespected you and leaving the body a mile from your own house.  Hahahaha, you’re crazy.  What’s that?  Oh, you’re serious.  Well, turns out I left the oven on.  Man, I sure would love to get in on this all-risk, no reward murder plan devised by a nine year old, but you know how it is when your phone is almost out of battery!  Thanks for thinking of me, I know you truly value our friendship, what with the trusting me as a murder accomplice and all, but I think I’d rather not die in prison.  Thanks though, buddy!  (Door slam, tire squeal)

Well, in case you didn’t read about it in US Weekly, I got engaged last week.  In case you need to pre-emptively send me $1000 for my wedding, go ahead and get that taken care of.  I only take large bills in person or certified checks if by mail.

People ask a lot of questions about this process.  One, did you get a blood diamond?  I don’t think so, but someone better have bled.  Holy shit, those damn things are expensive.  Luckily, I’m super rich, with my huge comedy cash.  Sigh.  Two, how did you ask?  Well, I said, “Hey toots, when yer done making me dinner and wershin’ the deeshes, ‘mon over here.  I’m going to make you the luckiest woman east of the Mississippi.”  Actually, I heavily drugged her with wine and pain meds.  I then pulled a gun and told her I was a desperate and lonely man and she better say yes.  It worked!

In all seriousness, my fiance is beautiful, talented, driven, loyal, caring and all around wonderful.  Several of my relatives have told me she is a perfect match…which may mean I am none of those things.  And by may, I mean definitely.  Well, at least I know how to make meth.  I can bring that to the table.  Thanks, Appalachia!