Month: June 2013

(Former) Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez was arrested for murder this week and it looks like he pulled off the worst crime in quite a few years.  He made Jodi Arias look like Professor Moriarty.  From early reports, he used his own cell to text and call from his own phone, leaving a literal road map of evidence with footnotes.  He then killed a guy that he had picked up, who had been seen leaving with him, a mile from his house.  As dumb as he was, I think his pals may have been stupider.  They actually heard this moronic plan and went along with it.

I like to think if one of my buddies texted me to come over late night that something needed “taken care of”, I would assume his sump pump went out or his girlfriend set fire to his shit in the front yard.  I then like to think I would pull in, realize he was talking about MURDERING SOMEONE…I would come up with something other than “OK, sounds great!”  Umm, I’m sorry, I thought you just told me you plan on killing a guy who disrespected you and leaving the body a mile from your own house.  Hahahaha, you’re crazy.  What’s that?  Oh, you’re serious.  Well, turns out I left the oven on.  Man, I sure would love to get in on this all-risk, no reward murder plan devised by a nine year old, but you know how it is when your phone is almost out of battery!  Thanks for thinking of me, I know you truly value our friendship, what with the trusting me as a murder accomplice and all, but I think I’d rather not die in prison.  Thanks though, buddy!  (Door slam, tire squeal)

Well, in case you didn’t read about it in US Weekly, I got engaged last week.  In case you need to pre-emptively send me $1000 for my wedding, go ahead and get that taken care of.  I only take large bills in person or certified checks if by mail.

People ask a lot of questions about this process.  One, did you get a blood diamond?  I don’t think so, but someone better have bled.  Holy shit, those damn things are expensive.  Luckily, I’m super rich, with my huge comedy cash.  Sigh.  Two, how did you ask?  Well, I said, “Hey toots, when yer done making me dinner and wershin’ the deeshes, ‘mon over here.  I’m going to make you the luckiest woman east of the Mississippi.”  Actually, I heavily drugged her with wine and pain meds.  I then pulled a gun and told her I was a desperate and lonely man and she better say yes.  It worked!

In all seriousness, my fiance is beautiful, talented, driven, loyal, caring and all around wonderful.  Several of my relatives have told me she is a perfect match…which may mean I am none of those things.  And by may, I mean definitely.  Well, at least I know how to make meth.  I can bring that to the table.  Thanks, Appalachia!

There have been some great promos for comedy shows, just not very many of mine.  I did a show once where the guy budgeted $200 for comedians and went on to spend $240 in high gloss laminated flyers with pictures of big booty beauties, thus ensuring almost all the comics got stiffed.  (I got paid, I have a horrible temper)  I did a show that complained about not having enough people, yet didn’t update the show info on their website.  Last post on their facebook page?  Six weeks before my show.  Nice job, next try carrier pigeons.

My recent favorite was a new comic that joined the very select Facebook group called Columbus Comics.  I’m in it – the purpose is to update local comics on new shows, contests, festivals, rumors and generally keep everyone in the loop.  What ends up happening is someone starts bombing the page w/ promo.  This last noob was announcing his appearances at unpaid open mikes…to other comedians.  Yes, that’s a great strategy for marketing.  Who is already going to the show I won’t be getting paid to perform at?  Other comics?  Perfect!  Let’s make sure they all know about this killer five minute set I’ve been working on.  Market to the masses?  Nah.  It would be like if RC Cola sent marketing packets to Coke and Pepsi instead of spending any cash on commercials.  That sounds like a stout business model.

I went to a wedding last weekend.  It was the shortest Catholic wedding I’ve ever been to, which means it was still 30 minutes longer than any non-Catholic wedding I’ve been to.  There sure is a lot of sitting, kneeling, and standing, says hacky 80’s clean comedian!  On a side note, the priest mentioned them having babies and starting a family about 17 times, reinforcing a lot of stereotypes.  That, or the grandparents to be slipped him a $20 bill to drop some hints.

I was very glad that the couple didn’t smash cake in each other’s faces.  That move lost its shock factor sometime around the fourth wedding I went to.  Now if they jammed prime rib in each other’s grills, I would applaud the originality.  I also must use this forum to call out the assholes that tap their glasses.  The couple kisses…then there are always about one or two douchebags that have to ding their glasses every minute and a half like they want to see a high school make out session.  Calm down, pervs, how about you let them eat their salads before you call for smoochies?  More importantly, how about I enjoy my seventh Maker’s and coke without the deafening tinging of glasses two feet behind me?  Of course, if they gave shots everytime, I would be hitting glasses like Keith Moon.

Paris Hilton is about to release a new album.  I think it should be called, “Surprisingly still alive despite all these STD’s!” or “Why in the hell did you buy this?”

When politicians are calling the NSA leaker a traitor, I have a strong inclination to like him a lot more.  How dare he leak the info that the government is listening to our calls!  What a scumbag!  Not that I need to worry – my calls are 90% bitching about comedy shows or in-depth discussions of Game of Thrones topics.

Amanda Bynes/Miley Cyrus/Lindsay Lohan did something weird.  Fill in the blanks.  In sports news, Lebron James/Tiger Woods got criticized and everyone took sides.  Fill in the blanks.

Finally, people in the Middle East are killing each other.  We’ll probably get involved and regret it.  Don’t worry, whichever side wins in Syria, they’ll hate us!  You’re welcome, I just saved you 20 minutes of watching the news.

Sometimes things happen that are cool, but being rather sarcastic and a bit of a curmudgeon in my 30’s, I wait for the catch.  Last week, my lovely lady decided to buy, yes I’m being serious, some custom artwork for the basement.  Artwork of Captain America.  For in the house.  For people to see.  There must be a terrible toll soon to be extracted…I must look out for a kitchen remodel in my near future…

Well, with this, the most amazing piece of art this guy has ever seen, I now have to build a moat around the house, since everyone with an eye for beauty will try and steal my shit.  Trust me, I know art.  I used to have dogs playing poker AND dogs shooting pool on my walls.  We went to Michael’s to get a frame for it when I saw a nice frame.  Frames always have a dumb nature pic or some white people laughing, in case you’re too stupid to know what frames look like with pictures inside.  That’s when it happened.

I saw one that said memorial display.  It was recessed and the insert was of a retriever, three pictures, including one with a little boy.  Underneath it said, “Duke, 1998-2012.”  I felt a strange thing inside that wasn’t anger or a buzz and I didn’t like it.  This must be what humans refer to as “sadness”…  Damn you, cheap picture frame!  Now I have to go out and punch a stranger to get my groove back.  This ruined my night.  OK, punch an innocent person and run over a bicyclist.  I hope you’re happy, memorial display makers.  A lot of good people are going to get hurt over this.