Month: May 2013

Age brings wisdom, it is said.  I must still be young and stupid apparently, because I am playing in another alumni full-contact football game tonight.  Last time I popped a ribhead out in my back and walked like I had a honeymoon evening with a silverback gorilla.  Plus the score was 6-0 because half our team was smoking at halftime.  Of course, I also drank after game, which is probably not the smartest idea.  I didn’t even do that in high school after games.  I like to think I’m carb loading for my 5K run next week.

I’m also running in a 5K the week after.  Not bad, I can handle it…as long as my girlfriend doesn’t beat me.  Note to self: Hide her inhaler before the race or fake a stroke if getting beat.  That should do it.  The good news is that if I get hurt in either event, I can vow to never workout again!

I was at the library, pretending like I was going to check out a non-comic book, when I heard a lady talking to a truck rental place on the phone.  After all, why not carry out a phone conversation at the library?  “I am trying to get a validation code for a discount.”  Pause.  “OK, thanks!”  Five seconds passed, then she called again.  Same conversation to a word.  This happened four consecutive times.  I could tell she was very dumb, because she kept calling and asking the same question, getting the same answer, then calling right back.  It was like watching a three year old jam a square block into a round peg for ten minutes.

I remembered then when I worked at such a facility and the clientele that drove me to drink.  One genius came in after I handed him the keys, red faced pissed.  “This box truck doesn’t have a rear view mirror!”  Yes, they’re on the sides.  “No!  I mean in the middle!”  Hmmm.  Sir, you realize that if it did, the boxes and such would cover up that hole anyways.  “Um, I was planning on making a sight tunnel!  Hello!  I want my money back!”  You know what, you’re right.  Please don’t rent this box truck, you’ll just kill someone driving it around.  May I suggest taking the damage waiver when you realize no such magic vehicle exists?

One of most solemn holidays in America is Memorial Day, where we remember our fallen soldiers.  It traditionally hails the beginning of summer, so we kind of weirdly look forward to such a sobering time.  I think most of us are more than grateful to our troops for their sacrifices.  Even scumbags who don’t care about others’ sacrifices are happy they get an extra day off.  Except probably this guy I saw…

I was walking the other day, yes to get more beer, in case you wondering.  Mind your own business!  (Sorry, us alkies get defensive)  I saw a bumper sticker on a car.  Of course, there were six of them, because assholes with bumper stickers don’t just like to annoy you with one statement, they enjoy telling you everything they think.  Yuck.  This guy had one that said, “Join the Army!  Travel to exotic, distant lands.  Meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.”  This of course from Full Metal Jacket, a great movie.

My hatred of people who insult, disrespect or disparage our troops is deep and intense.  Yet, I also realize one of the great things about our country is that even douchebags are afforded the protections given by those said douches show contempt for.  So in the spirit of the first amendment, I just nodded to myself and realized the interesting irony of this.  I then made the mature decision to let it slide…this time.  Next time I am flicking a booger or hocking a loog on his car.  USA!  USA!  USA!

One of the amazing tools available for studying the intricacies of human psychology is the jukebox.  There are several case studies.

– Pop song repeater.  I heard that “I don’t care!  I love it!” song three times in about 95 minutes.  The person that can do this is the adult equivalent of a fthree year old with Attention Deficit Disorder.  One of my frat brothers played Bombs Over Baghdad four times in a row at a party and I broke the CD in half in front of him.

– Person who can’t pick a format that matches anyone in the room.  Example – Bar the other night, all middle aged white people, 98% men.  One girl goes up and plays aggressive gangsta rap.  The room shuts down emotionally.  Finally, someone goes up and pays extra to jump to Toby Keith.  The room breathes again.

– The “funny” song person.  Get ready for Barbie Girl, followed by Informer by Snow, end up with I’m Too Sexy.  Toss in Afroman and Color Me Badd and you’re all set.  This person likes to be the center of attention by using cheap, repetitive humor.  What kind of douche does this?  (It’s me)

I was at Steak Escape, rewarding myself with a delicious cheesesteak because I burnt so many calories in a furious workout.  By workout, I mean I did two, yes TWO rounds of mini golf with my lady.  I’m surprised she was able to keep up with such a stellar athlete.

I was waiting on her to get to get a refill when a young gentleman with his son said, “Sir!  Sir!  Sir!  You know who you should be for Halloween?”  Well, that’s not the way most people introduce themselves.  You know what monstrosity you remind me of?  I asked him who, to which he replied, “That guy from the Hangover!”  Great, Zach Galifinakis.  I debated whether to ask him if he thought all white people look the same or immediately gag myself and puke up the food until I looked less fat.  Oh well, at least I don’t look like a naked Asian man stuffed in a car trunk.

– Kanye West.  While normally unbearable and somehow credited as a human worth paying attention to, he upped his annoyance factor by knocking up Kim Kardashian, ensuring that dullard is in the news even more than the usual 21 hours a day.

– The gas pump line cutter.  I was right there and you pulled in, then acted like you didn’t see me.  I would key your car, but you’re driving an Oldsmobile with two different colored doors.

– Anyone who speaks to me when they can clearly see I am wearing earbuds.  Why don’t we continue this enthralling conversation I can’t hear somewhere else I could never hear you, like an airport runway or in the middle of a gunfight?  And no, I’m not using that piece of workout equipment just because I’m within nine feet of it.

– Person who comes to a comedy show, sits in the front row, then is too cool to laugh.  Did you really just pay for a ticket so you could play on your phone in the dark?  You stink.  I know it wasn’t my act.  OK, it probably was my act, but you could at least put the phone away.