Month: April 2013

In a permanent effort to expand my horizons/Redbox had this or Parental Guidance, I watched Les Miserables last weekend.  If you are reading this blog, chances are you’ve either seen it, or never will, thus I don’t worry about ruining anything.  On a side note, if you watched it because you want to be known as someone who watched a musical, you’re probably a pretentious ass.

The movie opens with a dude who is being harassed by another dude for stealing a loaf of bread for a hungry child…and he does nearly two decades?  Holy shit, I don’t want to hear any poor people bitch in America.  Our welfare recipients have an OBESITY problem.  That’s how awesome America is.  Our poor are overfed.  Well, not with nutrients, but vitamins and minerals are for bodybuilders and pussies.  USA!  USA!  Give me double cheeseburgers for $1.49 any day.

Then he gets out and this woman lives the worst life ever and dies.  God, this movie is depressing.  They can sing, but I’m all sad now.  At least her kids will be cared for.  Is that Borat?  Yep, it sure is.  Hey look, Russell Crowe is being a dick again.  He’s almost as much as dick in this movie as he is in real life punching drunks.  Some girl dies again, with a love that is not returned.  Some people get shot, Russell is even more of an asshole…then I fell asleep.  I guess more people died and somehow I’m supposed to be happy at the end.

The movie was well done, the scenery and background was top notch.  The singing was good.  That said, I haven’t seen a movie this sad since Old Yeller or Kids.  Who in the blue hell thought Old Yeller was a great kids movie?  I saw it when I was seven.  I cried for two days on that one.  Here, young Chris, watch a similar young boy have to put a bullet in the dog that saved his life like three or four times.  I think Joseph McCarthy made schoolkids watch this movie in the 50’s to make sure any commies didn’t leak out of the education system.

Thanks to Jesse and the staff at Columbus Alive for the article – comedians love two things over all else.  Attention and free stuff.  Free attention is even better.  Here’s the interview with my fellow funsters Justin Golak and Laura Sanders.

http://www.columbusalive.com/content/stories/2013/04/25/comedy-preview-columbus-comedy-vets-discuss-local-scene-ahead-of-comedy-festival.html

It’s basically an article about the local comedy scene and some other nonsense, like post show interactions, one of my favorite parts of comedy.  Oh and don’t forget, Columbus – see me tonight at 8 pm.  www.wildgoosecreative.com

By 2018, the singing reality contest shows will have run out of legit music stars of today, ex-Mouseketeers and slutty divas.  American Idol will feature either Milli or Vanilli, a roadie from Winger’s 1990 World Tour, the dead body of Tupac and a Casio keyboard.

In an effort to recreate the success violent shows like the Sopranos, Breaking Bad and Game of Thrones, FX will create a show where a key character is killed every 47 seconds.  The plot revolves around hiding bodies and the ensuing argument leads to another shooting.  Repeat.  It will be the most popular show ever made.

Thanks to hormones in food, almost every man will grow breasts and a good percentage of women internal testicles, throwing the gay marriage debate into turmoil when no one is sure what gender anyone is.  The food, however, is still delicious.

I moved out of my condo a few months back, but just moved the important stuff at first.  Now, my buddy is moving in and the clock is ticking, so I spent a good part of the week getting the rest of the stuff out.  Holy shit, did I accumulate some BS in just under a decade.  Here’s things I found.

– I had 12 towels.  I don’t I had ever used nine of them.  In fact, other than the shame of people knowing, I would’ve used the same one until it disintegrated on my body in an act of fabric suicide.

– I had three sleeping bags.  I’ve camped maybe four times in my life, excluding a four day country concert I go to frequently.  Three?  Apparently I liked to get black out drunk and go to Gander Mountain.

– I had three trash bags full of Christmas decorations to pitch.  This is strange to me, as I have never once put up any Christmas crap ever.  Other than a wreath, and technically my mom put that up.  One more bag and I could have opened a holiday store as a side business.

– Most interesting to me was the cupboard of lost and forgotten liquor from the ghost of Halloween parties past.  I had a whole bottle of vermouth.  I would rather drink monkey piss than vermouth.  I also found a bottle of drive-through gin with a $4.25 sticker on it.  I’ll see you at rock bottom, friend.  It will be a dark day indeed when the knock off gin is poured.

Long story short, most of the crap I used to value is in a dumpster on the west side.  I would tell you to pick it up, but I have no doubt hordes of white trash have already descended upon the scratched up TV stand and uneven kitchen table like a stray dog covets a fresh bone.  Luckily, I was able to find a lot of important stuff.  I can practically hear my girlfriend squeal with joy when I show her the huge box of collectibles I can display in her house.  Would the George Washington bobblehead look better next to the bald eagle stuffed animal or the Captain America replica shield?

Tonight I’m doing a show called “15 and Killin’ It” in town.  It’s a great idea – every comic that performs on the show gets 15 minutes, then the jokes are logged and can never be done again (at that show).  Kudos to Justin Golak, Laura Sanders and Sumukh Torgalkar for putting it on.  The “killin’ it” part is the curveball for me, not the time.  I have a lot of jokes, just not that many that kill it.

I have done some weird shows – comedy and burlesque, wedding anniversaries, high school reunions, and once even a show where I was in a field 50 yards from anyone after a band of 15 year old boys just rocked the 20 family members that came to see them.  That said, my favorite show of the year is the Halloween show at Surly Girl Saloon.  Basically, comics dress up like other comics and mock them, or do one time acts based on movie characters which are usually great.  With this theme in mind, I have decided to pull the trigger on a show idea I had (to be done with other comics) called “Mother Goose is drunk.”  My friends in high school called me Mother Goose for my ability to remember and tell stories…and never shut up.  I thought it would be cool to do a show rotating comedians, sharing stories from the stage (and off).  Details soon!

After about six years, and I hope I never find out how game hours, my PS3 took the proverbial shit last night.  I was watching Game of Thrones because I love to watch shows about three years too late.  About ten minutes into a scene I’m pretty sure was going to show boobs or murder (this show is really great), I heard a beep and it was over.  No more games?  Who now will close the Oblivion Gates and stop the cult of Mehrunes Dagon?  Tis truly a dark time in these lands!  (The only dark time, apparently, was with my love life…I played a lot of games)

One thing I learned last night was never to look online for tech support.  According to several sites it was definitely a lost cause…or it was merely dusty…or needed to cool down…or rotated…or I could grab a glue gun and remount the internal hard drive – just watch this simple 15 minute how to video on You Tube!  Crap.  Looks like I’m paying Playstation to fix it.  Now I have to watch TV.  I’m currently watching a woman on My Crazy Obsession showing off her 4000 outfits.  Not for her, but for her pet squirrel Sugarbush.  4000 outfits.  Her husband (yes, she has one) has three jobs to pay for his housewife’s squirrel outfits.  Time to pay for express delivery.