Month: January 2013

Living with my girlfriend has exposed me to new things, like cleaning supplies not called Windex.  Thankfully, she’s not one of those people in a relationship that thinks the only way you can grow closer is to force their TV shows on you.  It’s good for her too, because I would make her watch the Ken Burns Civil War series about 14 times through until she set the DVD player on fire.

Sometimes, however, I catch something in the background.  I happened to catch a few minutes of Glee.  I immediately noticed the school was more diverse than a McDonald’s commercial filmed in the U.N.  Isn’t this supposed to be in rural Ohio?  Apparently the writers didn’t do their homework.

The plot was strange.  The ugly girls were having a dance where they got to pick their dates.  “Doesn’t that mean they’re calling themselves ugly?”  “Isn’t that superficial of them to pick guys based on looks?”  “Is that a dude singing dressed like a chick?  Is he/she one of the ugly chicks?  I should hope so.”  I’m pretty sure she won’t be watching Glee with me in the room again.  Glad I have good taste in TV.  Is that Road House 2?  There goes my afternoon!

I did a rather unique show Saturday night.  I walked backstage and six women in various states of undress were hanging out.  Usually my pre-show comedy routine involves me and another drunk and/or depressed comedian talking about how bad the show is going to be or how shitty the hotel is…you get the point.

The ringleader of the show announced that no one on the show was to drink more than one beer.  I almost had to choke her when I realized she was speaking to the dancers.  OK, we’re cool again.  Sorry for overreacting.  I thought getting drunk would help with the whole taking clothes off in front of strangers, but then again it is probably difficult to dance in high heels with a DUI level blood alcohol content.  Then again, I wouldn’t know and hope to never find out.

It really was interesting to be backstage at a theater.  There were two couches, four chairs and not much room with all the props, saws, and such.  Basically, what I’m telling you is that every time I turned around there was a nearly nude chick with pasties doing something…but they didn’t care.  I still felt like a creep and ending up looking at the ceiling, floor, or acting like I was perusing my set list.  Hmm, I’ll tell the one about the bad haircut I had when I was in third grade, yes, that works…oh look, silver pasties.  Well, this is awkward.  Oh!  Then I’ll do the one about how women love inspirational quotes…as a woman is changing her garter belt…time to move over to the corner of the room.  Wait, that is creepier than being front and center.  This really backfired.  I could hang out in the bathroom instead…and back to worse options than before.  Give me the mic and let me get the hell out of here.

I went to the library yesterday because I am very smart and that’s what smart, cultured people like me do.  (I was playing games on the internet)  Unfortunately, the lady next to me was dying of emphysema and was coughing her death all over the place.  Thanks, Doc Holliday.

I was leaving when a young boy approached the desk in front of me.  “Excuse me sir, do you have books on dragons?”  The man behind the desk, very proper and bookish replied as a stiff and cold librarian stereotype should have – “Can you be more specific, are you looking for facts about dragons?”  I immediately burst into laughter – no words were needed.  This assumed, obviously, that dragons were real, which is the only way one can write a book of dragon facts.

I don’t know if he was trying to be nice and said something dumb or was such a tightass he couldn’t break protocol, but it made my day.  “Do you have books on Lincoln?”  “Hmm, Lincoln the president or Lincoln the vampire hunter?”  The possibilities danced in my head all afternoon.  Thank you, library.

There has been a lot of violence in America, really since the beginning.  If you think it’s bad now, read about the frontier or the Wild West.  That aside, we have video games, movies, guns, media over exposure of killers, mental illness and some say a general decline in morality.  Who or what is the root of this problem?

Well, clearly the answer is _____.  If you look at statistics, then all signs point to _____.  If you think it’s ____, then you’re clearly an idiot.  Look, one time I read on the internet that ______ did a study and it turned out ______ was the number one factor in this problem.  Some say the issue is _____, but they’re pushing their ____-wing agenda.  I think everyone should work to ban _____ and/or stop ______.  This will fix everything!

Now you know how stupid every expert is.  If you shoot people, you’re a piece of shit, whatever the reason.  If you think you have all the answers, you’re playing with people’s emotions to make money or push your politics on everyone and you suck.  What is to blame?  I don’t know, I don’t even have a show on the news networks or I’d tell you.

Well, my life has drastically changed – I moved in with my girlfriend last week.  I have noticed a few things are different.  There are a lot motivational sayings in the house, for one.  I won’t have to remember to live life to the fullest now, it’s right there!  Also, she has these things called “vegetables” in the fridge.  I have heard of them, even seen them in restaurants and grocery stores, but not in an actual home for about a decade.  Interesting.

I know she’s super excited to hear all my ideas on how to make her house cooler.  I’m doing some research on a bald eagle sanctuary, but am focusing on some short term ideas first, like putting a fireman’s pole that goes to the basement and installing urinals on each floor.  That would be really convenient for me.

The best part is that my whole life I have never had someone to cook and clean for me full time!  Can you believe I actually had to get my own beers?  Myself?  She’s going to love the feeling of being needed – trust me, I know women.  Hmm, that’s strange, there’s a warm sensation running down my neck…oh, that’s blood from where she just stabbed me for typing this blog.  Well, I better get to the hospital, talk to everyone soon!

I signed up for every marketing survey in town when I was poor(er) so I make some extra cash on the side.  Some are little one shot taste tests that take 25 minutes, others are multiple visit trials, but there is nothing more barely worth your time for the money than a focus group.  Why?  Other people.

There are several types, like one of my faves – person who dominates the whole group.  This is person, usually adult male, who decides his opinion is so great, no one else should talk.  This is fine, except intelligence and consideration of the time constraints are not pre-reqs.  There were two at my last one.  Luckily they were thrown off just enough by the “Oh, I was supposed to pay attention?  Eh!  I’ll just talk about whatever pops into my head” lady.  At one point we were discussing fast food and she was talking for three minutes about her grandkids’ soccer games.  I blacked out a little.

I was good to go except about seven minutes in, I noticed the lady across from me was breathing really heavy and shaking her leg.  She was rather large, thus large chested, so I saw a lot of jiggling and heard what sounded like Darth Vader.  Apparently, the sitting down for two hours was very exhausting because the breathing went from maybe sounding like a cold to an hour on an uphill treadmill.  If you’re big enough where sitting is a track and field event, you better start filling out a will.