Year: 2012

Last I emceed the “Open Mike Talent Search” at the Funny Bone.  Here’s my favorite moments.

– One guy opened up with a donkey show joke…then smoothly transitioned into giving parenting advice.  Hmm, I’m all ears!

– One contestant forgot her material 30 seconds in.  This is usually not good for comedians.

– I realized no one in the crowd was up for answering any questions.  After a lot of blank stares, I surmised aloud that the crowd was full of orphans that didn’t like sports, know Columbus had a casino and were all straight people that hung out in gay bars.  That got more laughs than anything else I did all night.

Overall it was a good show, but I realized I forgot to zip up my pants for ten minutes after the tinkle I took.  Thank God I didn’t go onstage like that, but I’m pretty sure at least seven people saw my undies.  I am going to be a mess when I’m old, but in fairness, old people usually don’t care.  Take it all in, strangers!

By far, my least favorite part of hosting people is picking music.  I like heavy metal…but if I have a party and play heavy metal one of two things will happen.  One, everyone leaves.  Two, everyone loves it and starts smashing my place up.  So off we go to other choices.

I put on a hip hop mix and three songs in, someone wanted “indie” music.  I flipped over and smack my ass, Randy Newman came on.  I hate Randy Newman more than I hate catching my junk in my zipper.  Seriously, we get it you mushmouthed fat jackass.  You sing with the skill of Jack Nicholson post lobotomy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.  So we switched music yet again.  Now I’m a DJ, and a shitty one at that.

The worst, though, is that some drunk acts like we’re in an Ampitheater and goes right to volume 4000 on the dial.  Of course, with the way my trashy neighbors fight, this is a nice revenge moment.  Turn the speakers to the wall, oh and here’s an old favorite of mine – “Primal Concrete Sledge” by Pantera.

No greater risk/reward exists in the Halloween world outside the thrift store trip.  In college, a sorority we partied with (yes, I did use party as a verb) had a “Pimps and Prostitutes party each year.  I got a fur trimmed overcoat, vest, butterfly collar shirt, fake gold, flat dress shoes and even a croched hat for $20.  The perfect add was polyester burgundy pants so tight I couldn’t bend at the knee without the button unsnapping.  $1.  Just $1 to ruin everyone’s night.  Awesome.

Of course, the problem is that you have no idea what trashy smack addict stole these clothes off another possibly dead crack addict to pawn them off in the first place.  There’s one near my place now that has the dirtiest glass windows and doors I’ve ever seen.  Not exactly helping assuage my fears…is that a face print on the glass door?  Slobber?  I’m going to cover myself in sanitizer first and get a broomhandle with a hook on the end so I don’t have to touch this shit.  Then again, I just got a black pleather coat for $5.33 that I’m going to cut the sleeves off of – don’t ask, it’s Halloween.

Enjoy!  (As a side note, safe for work!  Unless you get caught listening to comedy at work, then you’ll still get fired.)

http://www.qfm96.com/play_window.php?audioType=Episode&audioId=6085187

 

Horror movies are usually terrible and then followed by an even worse sequel.  How many damn times can Jason come back?  Space, hell…he could even come back from inner city Youngstown at this point.  OK, that was extreme.  He’s not that indestructible.  So, here’s my idea.  There’s a comedian who murders hecklers after shows.  It’s called, “What Chris Coen wants to do hecklers in real life.”  OK, not too catchy.  How about “You’ll die laughing” or “Everyone killed in this movie is a drunk redneck.”  (That’s who heckles).

How to watch – viewing tips!

If you’re on one side of the spectrum, hope your candidate doesn’t make an ass out of themselves or say something stupid.  Mondale in 1984 said he was raising taxes.  He lost 49 states.  Oops!  Reagan could’ve ate jellybeans and just done the Degeneration X crotch chop and he would’ve won at that point.

Look cool and collect – i.e. Be a good bullshit artist!  Nixon probably would’ve beat Kennedy in 1960, but he was a sweaty, jittery bastard and Kennedy was laying on the charm like he was wooing Marilyn Monroe at the debate.  Don’t worry though, we got Nixon later and he worked out great!  (That’s called sarcasm.)

Have good hair.  America loves old guys with hair.  Never mind they may be pieces of shit, have your hair.  Or get plugs like Biden.  That guy is a walking punch line, but he has fake hair plugs and people still listen to him.

Better yet, be completely neutral.  Every politician’s most coveted voter!  Then you can be swayed by the lies and have at least one third of the country blame you when we get a shitty president.  Excuse me while I order my “Don’t blame me, I voted for fill in the blank” bumper sticker.