Year: 2012

– If you base your vote off the VP debate only, you are a moron.  I’m a history buff and I can’t name five VP’s that did anything other than wave next to the president at campaign rallies during their terms.

– I give my dog bones when he gets on my nerves and he goes away.  If someone invents a human “bone”, I will tattoo their name on my chest.

– If someone calls me chief and they’re not being sarcastic, my butthole clinches up instantly.

– I love dogs.  Just probably not your dog.  He jumped on me and slobbered on my shirt.  “He never does that!” doesn’t work when he just did that.  Your dog sucks and so do you.

– I picked up twelve shows in the last 10 days in four states.  I sense a traffic ticket in my near future…  Thanks for nothing in advance, karma!

Sometimes, even with smartphones, we get too busy to check emails and of course, miss important Facebook updates.  If you’re in that situation, have no fear – here’s what you missed!

– Kid updates.  For every friend you have with a child, you will get a minimum of one update every two days.  This is usually funny and/or heartwarming, but I know at least four people on my friend list who I am convinced aren’t raising their kids.  They’re just following them around taking pictures to put on FB.  “Jenny’s seven now!  She could read, but I was too busy posting pictures of her cake to teach her how!”

– Political rants.  Take whatever ideology you hate the most, and that’s the post you missed.  Don’t worry, there’s 17 more from that same person you barely know coming!  Thanks for the update!  BLOCK.

– Suicide watch poster.  “I don’t know how I can live anymore.  McDonald’s was out of nuggets today.”  Maybe you should do it – you’re depressing me and those Nuggets are mighty tasty.

– Spam funny picture/website link person.  In fairness, I post my crap blogs once a day, but please don’t put 97 pictures from lolcats.net on my feed.  There’s a cat making a wacky face – oh man, that cat is cray cray!  HA HA HA HA HA (gunshot)

Of course, these important posts bury the news that someone you know got engaged, pregnant, is sick, lost a loved one or has a very hilarious comedy show coming up.  Come on people!  Don’t you know what’s important in life?  (Emcee, Columbus Funny Bone, Oct. 29th @ 7:30 – tickets online at columbusfunnybone.com)  Quit clogging everyone’s newsfeed with non-comedy show related crap!

I went to Kroger w/ my pals pre-Buckeye game.  One was hitting on a girl way too young, so we had to wait on him to get beer (that’s not the sex crime, but it could’ve been had we not told him to hurry up).  While standing at the end of the self-checkout line, I saw of all things, a cart completely full of summer sausage and hot dog packs.  I’m talking $250 worth of pork.  I was staring at it quizzically, then my buddy Rich said “Look at that dude.”  This is never good, but always interesting.

I looked up to see an older man wearing what looked like swim trunks and black dress shoes with no socks.  He pulled out a tissue from the box at the employee station and gave it to the girl overseeing the process.  She blew her nose, then he grabbed the tissue and pulled out a plastic bag from his pocket, shoving the snotty tissue inside, then putting it back in his pocket.  He was so excited, he was shaking.  I was incredulous.

He kept persisting and I realized after the fourth tissue, he was getting his rocks off…but I have no idea why.  Snot covered tissues?  The poor girl was trying to be nice and kept blowing away, handing this deviant each one, even though she had no cold and there was a trash can right there.  I wanted to freak out, but was so confused, I didn’t know what to do.  Rich went up to him and said, “What are you doing?  There’s a trash can right there!  You’re a creep!”  El Creepo shouted, “Leave me alone!”  Then he grabbed his meat cart and shuffled away with his bag o’ mucus covered Kleenexes.  I don’t know what I just saw, but it will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

Here’s the deal.  I know people are into some weird shit, but snot?  Hell, they even used to sell used panties in Japan via vending machines.  That’s gross, but at least it’s somewhat sexual.  Tissues?  What’s even weirder is that I noticed after the fact the freak was with another man.  Now I’m really blown away.  I’m going to act like I didn’t see any of this and try to move on…and never use a tissue again.

Everyone has a different version of clean.  For me, it’s pretty much don’t say the f word or talk about bodily fluids and various forms of penetration.  When I get a show that says “Be clean!”, I kind of cringe.  That said, any asshole can be dirty, so the clean shows pay a lot more.  I remember when I first started a really vile comic did a comedy contest.  His closer involved a purple strap-on dildo, so that’s all you really need to know.  Post-show, he told me he landed a corporate gig.  Me: “What?  Where?”  Him: “For my co-workers.”  Me: “Oh, so it’s not a corporate gig.  How much are they paying you?”  Him: “Nothing.  It’s a free show.”  Me: “OK.  That makes sense because you offend me and I am a piece of shit.”  Corporate gig my foot!  (See how I cleaned it up there?)

Despite all that, I have worked clean a lot.  It’s usually pretty subtle as in I don’t curse and cut out the sex jokes, mostly.  Once I did a casino show at a place that presidents have vacationed at for a hundred years.  Surprisingly, their white trash radar didn’t blow up when I walked in.  I had to wear a suit and tie, but it went great.  I was very excited until I realized I didn’t get to stay in this palatial estate.  “Where’s my room?”  “Oh, I am sorry sir, your room is at the Red Roof Inn.  Ten miles from here.”  That’s more like it.  Time to pound Busch Lights in my hilljack hotel alone again and listen to Skid Row and the people in the next room have sex!

Summer is pretty rough for comics at my level.  A lot of the one-nighters dry up due to summer breaks and vacations.  As a comedian looking for work, you hang on every opportunity.  I picked up a show in Ohio on a Thursday and it was a nice add to a rather bone dry schedule.  Then, three days before it, I got a call for a college show that paid more.  Shit.  Not being a scumbag, I had to turn it down.

The very next day I applied for a comedy festival that is hard to get into.  The day after that, I got offered a week in Alabama.  I took it, because I’m not an idiot (in that category, I’m quite the idiot in others).  I emailed the festival to take me out of the running and was promptly informed I would’ve definitely been in…for a chance to win $1000.  Son of a bitch!

I was rather sour, but went to the original show with all this double opportunity crap in my head.  After the show, the headliner told me he liked my stuff and got me three dates in December.  It pays well and it’s not too ridiculous on the travel end.  Yay!  I guess sometimes it works out.  Now I wait to get hit by a car with my shit luck.  Try not to run over my face, karmamobile, I’m very good looking.

Now the race was done and the fun party could begin.  That’s right – Tone Loc was back up.  He actually started the first of two concerts at 11:25, right when I was starting the race.  They showed him so much respect, they refused to turn off the pop mix blaring at us in line, which was about 40 yards from the stage.  I know when people do that to me during a comedy show, I walk.  (OK, I need the money.  I’ll stay.)

I then made a command decision to hit the “showers” over watching Tone Loc, since I was covered in wet mud and it was 60 degrees when the sun was behind a cloud.  The “showers” were six hoses, spitting out freezing cold water.  Mmmm…hypothermia…  Of course, several hundred people were in line and most decided to treat the hose like a professional spa treatment.  I then looked over a saw a chick about 250 in her underwear and regular bra hosing down.  I would’ve rather watched an orphanage fire than that 80’s hair metal video moment gone horribly wrong.

I saw Tone Loc hitting the stage from a distance and realized the only thing worse than headlining a race is being the guy warming up the crowd at a race for the guy headlining a race.  He tried like hell, but not much excitement.  Then Mr. Loc came out and did four songs – of course Funky Cold Medina and Wild Thing…and two others I’m pretty sure he stole off other rappers.  Bravo!  Bravo!

Amazingly, I finished 87th out of almost 2300 runners.  Not too shabby.  Remind me, though, never to run in a real race where people aren’t dressed like the Aqua Teen Hunger Force, drunk or knocking on the door of morbid obesity.  If I do, then this false sense of athleticism may quickly fade.  In honor of my “still got it” moment, I have listed my high school accomplishments to rub it in the faces of all my haters.*

* All-MVL in football as a center in 1996, that is about it.  Oh, and I once struck out three batters my sophomore year in baseball, but the paper falsely said I struck out 13 in 7 innings.  Where’s my Nike commercial, you sons of bitches?!