Month: February 2012

More from the booze soaked mind…

#21 If you are a female comic, someone will come up to you after the show and say, “I normally don’t find women funny, but…”  This HAS to be annoying, but I have a weiner, so I just have to assume it is.

#22 “Alternative comedy” means a pothead talking and talking until you realize his/her ranting about God knows what is supposed to be comedy.

#23 Every comedian hates being asked, “When’s your next show?” because 99% of the time the person asking has absolutely no intention of attending, even if your next show is 100 feet from their front door.

#24 Any white comic’s first show in front of an all black crowd is the most terrifying show they’ve ever done.

#25 Advice for new comics: Don’t do specific references to your favorite indie band.  No one knows who the fuck they are.

#26 Every show, circa 1995, used to give free booze to comics.  Now, almost none do.  There is a reason why – comedians are alcohol camels.

#27 Every comedian thinks they are better than all but about four other comedians ever.

#28 Hecklers are bottle fed douchebags who aren’t funny enough to get onstage.

#29 For some reason, when you destroy a heckler, the crowd hates you if you go too far…unless they are really asking for it.

#30 Every comedian that has done comedy for 4 or more years has seen a physical altercation post-show.  Oh by the way, it is your best comedy story that you tell all your friends.

#11 There is nothing funnier than watching a new comedian bash an experienced emcee, because the revenge line will be so mean upon the emcee returning, it trumps the newbies’ whole act.

#12 Delusion is the number one trait of new comics.  See #11.

#13 New black comedians are 50/50 on having stage names.  New white comedians are dumb enough to use their real names.  Either way, no one will remember your name, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

#14 Any new, young, white male comic will, without fail, do a joke about jerking off.

#15 Any new, young, black male comic will, without fail, do a joke about banging white chicks.

#16 Anytime you see a comedian reading jokes off a piece of paper, they suck.  Hard.

#17 High energy black comedians make white middle aged crowds laugh.  Or act like they’re laughing because they’re scared.

#18 Low-energy white comedians make black any-aged crowds heckle the shit out of them.

#19 Men and women are different.  Black and white people are different.  Dogs and cats are different.  Your joke based on those premises probably isn’t different than what’s been done a million times, but if you find a good one, it will kill every time.

#20 There is nothing more depressing than selling shirts after a show…and going home with a full bag of shirts.  NOTHING!

I did a blog last week and I thought this might work, so here goes…this is not be a pretentious ass, just what I see.  Plus these are easy to do…

#1 If anyone gives you comedy advice about how to be funny, they’re probably not funny.

#2 If you do comedy, someone (sooner rather than later) will tell you a joke you heard in 3rd grade and say “You should do that onstage!”

#3 You should never do that joke.  We’ve all heard it.

#4 “We should get together and write some jokes!” means “We are going to pound beers and accomplish nothing!”

#5 You will find out how cool/uncool your significant other is when you bring them up with a mike in your hand.

#6 Any comic that says, “I just get up there and wing it!” is full of shit or is a really bad comedian.

#7 If you wear a funny t-shirt onstage on purpose, you are a douchebag.

#8 If you reference that funny t-shirt onstage, you should be forced to have a Rochambeau with a barn mule.  (That’s a nut kicking contest)

#9 If you do a dead baby joke and someone laughs, that person (and you) have been arrested.

#10 If you hear this intro – “This next comedian does clubs and colleges all over the US…”, there’s a 99% chance that comic has done neither a club or a college.

More tomorry, kids!

I went to the open mike Wednesday and much to my glee and evil, there was a young kid making his comedy debut.  Poor unsuspecting bastard…  He workshopped some jokes and they were, how do I say, in need of some refinement.  He upheld Chris Coen’s rules of comedy #14 – “Any new, young, white comic will, without fail, do a joke about jerking off.”  (I think I have a new series of blogs on the way…)

As I have previously stated, new comedians are like watching black and white films of flying contraptions from the late 1800’s.  They get off the ground quickly and then crash into a mangled heap of suck.  All his pals were out, filming him pre-show, taking pictures, tweeting…it was depressing to see that much excitement, since every comic loses that after about 10-15 atomic bombs.  Nothing, I mean nothing, ruins your mood like writing jokes for a month then finally getting onstage and eating a bag of shit.

He didn’t do too bad…by new guy standards.  In other words, if 25 of his friends don’t come to every show, he is going to be on suicide watch right after the show.  Good luck, newb!  Don’t shoot up the place!

I have booked a decent amount of rooms.  I used to book a strip club that seated about 35-40, it was fun, but try getting used to telling jokes with a golden pole right in the middle of the stage.  Needless to say, a lot of cheap jokes ensued.

My first booking came at an Elks Lodge in my hometown and I learned more about comedy from that than performing in many respects.  Not surprisingly, my showcomers drink a whole lotta booze.  My first booking show was on my birthday and there was an ice storm.  We only had 115, we were expecting double.  Yet, my loyal pals set a record in beer sales (surprise!).  Thus began a three year run.  Side note: that show was the first my lovely Grandma attended.  Post show she handed me an “Upper Room” prayer devotional book afterwards.  (I didn’t read it.)

We had three shows moved/cancelled due to issues with the staff forgetting to write the date down and the loss of their liquor license.  The most annoying thing was collecting the ticket money, if not for Camp’s wife, Amanda, we probably couldn’t have pulled it off.  Women tend to think of details, like having “change” and actually “collecting” money instead of bullshitting with the audience or smoking cigarettes while the unpaying masses slip in under the radar.  The room finally went under, but we left with over 300 people at the finale.  Of course, I’d take 1/3 of that six times a year if it was still open.  Memories…all alone in the moonlight…  Memories are for pussies.

I have a lot of respect for clubs and independent bookers, due to the fact that booking a show is one of the worst experiences ever.  I’ve booked shows before and it boils down to two choices – go and babysit or just roll the dice and hope your drunken comics don’t blow your regularly scheduled gig by being drunken comics.

I know of a story where a guy got a tryout, did well, got promised more work…then went back to the hotel and trashed it.  Thanks for the job, sir!  Did I mention I slept with your wife?  No matter, see you next Monday!  Bad open mikers lie to bookers about their abilities and credentials then go and eat shit for 25 minutes, ruining a gig.  Then I come along and have to give five references, a DVD (that will never be watched), a DNA swab, and complete the final eliminator on American Gladiators only to hope some heckler vermin didn’t trash me behind my back to the bar owner after I called them out onstage, thus ruining future work opportunities.

As bad as I’ve described my end, imagine being the agent/bar/club/whoever that puts on the shows.  The agent has to trust everything is cool from two states away and the bar has to hope that the comic doesn’t decide to walk into his biker joint and watch a 145 lb. city boy trash the entire crowd.  Needless to say, I don’t do that, because I have OCD and have to be there.  I have, however, done a lot of booking when present and it blows maybe 1% less.  More on that tomorrow.