Year: 2011

I had a show at WVU last week.  Crowd was good, room was set up well, and I got two free beers.  That’s right, haters.  Two.  Afterwards, a college student approached me and said, “What got you into comedy?”  Alcohol and dumb friends.  We went through the normal back and forth, then he told me this – “I think I’d like to do comedy professionally.  It sounds fun.  I listen to podcasts and those guys are hilarious.”

I didn’t want to break his heart, but I neglected to tell him is was nearly 11 and I had to drive back to Columbus.  Oh, and work the next day on less than four hours’ sleep.  Oh, and headline a show the next night.  Not complaining, just saying.  I had to ask – “Have you ever done comedy before?”  His answer?  “No, but in high school, I played the banjo for a show and tell speech and it was pretty cool.”  Well, you never told me THAT!  Go for it!  Become a professional comic!

I was headlining a show last week.  It was supposed to start at eight, but no one was there except a German soccer player and the bartenders.  This is always a great sign for a good night o’ laughs!  Eventually, about 12 people were there, so it looked like go time.  Yet another delay, though, as the drunkest couple I’ve ever seen showed up.  They tried to get them to leave.  They were dancing, not well by the way, and making out viciously.  At one point, the chick, who I thought had a bum leg, stumbled up to the bar and demanded her and her winner of a boyfriend got to get onstage.  They were denied, so went back to PDA.  I quit watching when he started rubbing her button publicly.

Show started at nine.  One guy decided to yell out something everytime the feature said anything at all.  Then the four ADD girls to the left of the stage got up, all at once to smoke, making a hell of a racket doing so.  By the time I got up, there were five people left.  One chick got up FIVE TIMES during my 50 minute set.  Her dude only got up two times, you think he would have passed some manners along…oh wait, he made a cell phone call during one of my jokes.

There is nothing more demoralizing than knowing no matter what you do, no one gives a shit.  At one point, a girl complained that I looked at my watch.  Just counting down the seconds until this show is over or I start shooting, stupid.  Luckily, I was paid in cash, which covered my fantasy football leagues’ entry fees.  Excellent.

Show is at 8 pm, not 9.  Sorry.

I blogged once about the “adult baby” featured on the show “Taboo.”  It’s a fat douche, who, in his 30’s, dresses like a baby because hims had a bad childhood.  What broke after the story, is that he is getting Social Security benefits.  After all, he can’t work.  His childhood was rough, so we should all chip in.  Meanwhile, in Africa, some woman is getting HIV at the moment from being dry-raped by a warlord controlled gang.  Her husband would help, but his hands were cut off for voting.  Oh, and her kids are starving because the useless UN won’t properly distribute food, it’s being stolen by the gangs.

A senator found out he gets SS benefits and wanted an investigation.  Adult baby threatened to take his own life (oh no!).  Amazingly, Social Security held up his claim (I wonder if China will keep paying once they own America).  Now he wants an apology.  Well, I would like to personally apologize to the adult baby.  I’m sorry, if I ever had a chance, that I didn’t swerve my car onto the sidewalk and put you out of your misery, and our collective misery.  My bad, I’ll try harder next time.

I got the news via a phone call from my buddy that around 50 animals – tigers, bears, lions, and monkeys were running loose in my hometown of Zanesville, OH last night.  I then went to the most reliable source of info – Facebook.  Here are my thoughts…

1) How in hell do you pay for that many animals?  I couldn’t raise 50 fish.  I know, b/c my neighbor once gave me a pregnant red-tailed African chiclid.  It had a billion babies, give or take.  I went through three bags of feeder fish a week until I couldn’t take it anymore.  No pet store would take them, so I dumped all of those murderous demons into the pond near my leasing office at my apartment.  Let God decide!  (I destroyed the ecosystem, I bet my bottomfeeder is seven feet long now).

2) Anyone that says they shouldn’t have shot the animals is an ass.  Oh wait, let me get out my “Police guide to subduing bengal tigers and other animals not native to this hemisphere.”  FYI, Ohio legislators – a law may need updated about owning 1000 lb. jungle cats and black bears.

3) Although dumb, it would be awesome to own a wolf.  If it bit me, I would turn into a small faced teenager and fight vampires for the love of a small faced chick who’s supposed to be hot, but I don’t see it.  Plus, Bark at the Moon is the best live metal song ever.

I emceed the latest “Open Mike Talent Search” last night.  As always, craziness ensued.  One new comic took the stage and said, “I made a mistake and friended my Mom on Facebook.”  Then he forgot his next joke and ran off the stage.  I felt bad, for once.  I got on stage and said, “Everybody, this is hard.  That’s why I huff gasoline before every show.  Then I don’t care.”

Another older guy was up next and I told him.  “OK.  It’s all good.”  I turned around and he yelled, “NEXT!”  I instantly made it my goal to destroy him for disrespecting the comic onstage.  He took the stage and ripped me for not saying he was from Mississippi.  He never told me…so obviously, it’s my fault.  I then watched as he sat on the stool.  The mike still rested in the stand, five feet away.  I had, after six minutes, remove him from the stage.  No one heard him.  I grabbed the mike and said, “That guy was great.  My favorite joke of his was…then I dropped the mike and mouthed nothingness to the crowd.  Big laughs.  “Also, for the comics left, there’s a mike you can use!”

After, his nephew walked past me and made a snide remark about disrespecting him.  I turned and said, “Excuse me?”  “Nothing.”  That’s what I thought.  I was fully ready for a fist fight after.  At the clap off, he fell down and it was awful.  I rolled my eyes to full view of the crowd.  More laughs.  I hate that guy.  FYI, only $5 for the show.  I think they got their money’s worth if for the simple fact that craziness was on display.  I am definitely going next week for round 2.