Month: November 2011

I hate when people name days.  OK, Black Friday is fine.  Then Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday, Colostomy Bag Tuesday (that one didn’t take off).  They do it for sports, too.  Showdown Sunday, Standoff Saturday, how about week 12?  Or STFU Sunday?

What in the hell in going on with kid touching in sports?  I have a remedy – if you touch kids, you room with the inmate with the most kids so he beats you to death.  If you cover it up, the current MMA champ dresses up like your college’s mascot, and beats you to death.  Ever had your ass kicked by an Orange or scarf wearing Lion?  Scumbags.

I am an Ohio State fan.  Urban Meyer and now OSU is stomping Duke in men’s basketball.  Life is so good for my college sportsdom I’m waiting on a call to come in and naked steamroll the cheerleaders for an annual stipend of $50,000 a year.  Naked steamroller!  Tee hee!

For some reason, thousands of radio stations play only Christmas music this time of year.  Some since the beginning of November, which painfully makes someone around me say, “Not Christmas music before Thanksgiving!  Oh no!”  Like it just happened for the first time ever…then again, I’m bringing it up.

All BS about Christmas music aside, my number one complaint is that people love it so much they support horrible Christmas albums every single stupid year.  Like this.

Stop America.  Was Santa Claus born in a manger just so we had to endure Jessica Simpson and Bob Dylan’s Silver Bells?

Big story from the weekend shopping – yes, there are shopping stories all over the news.  This is sad and pathetic.  A woman pepper sprayed other shoppers to get to the front of a line at a Wal-Mart, then disappeared.  Several questions arise – how did this woman get away?  If she hit 20 people w/ pepper spray, I am going to guess she missed at least one witness or she is a pepper spray ninja.

Also, how in the hell did she think this was going to work?  Hmmm, I’ll bet no one at Wal-Mart will care…let me attack strangers…yep, good…OK, I’ll take that Xbox please!  What do you mean I was out of line?  This is why I am a hermit.  I don’t even like going to the grocery store on the weekend.  I always get blocked by some idiot that takes up the whole aisle looking at spaghetti sauces.  Pick a side or get run over, granny.  In fact, my goal is to complete all Christmas shopping in under one hour.  Gift cards for all!  Hope everyone likes Olive Garden, iTunes, or Home Depot!

This is a rule of men.  Don’t ever give yourself a nickname.  Here’s proof.  I played on the baseball reserve team my freshman year.  We got our names stitched on our hats, but we got to pick.  My nickname at that time was “Conan”, but I got Coen on my hat instead.  Our bookkeeper was a rather impish chap.  He got a hat also.  He decided, for some dumb reason, to call himself “Smallfry”.  Oh boy.

The biggest problem, though, was that the nicknames were stitched, which means they were connected at the bottom.  I picked up the hat and looked at it.  Due to the stitching, I misread the hat.  I said, “Who in the hell is Smallery?”  An F looks like a E when it is connected at the bottom.  Smallfry was not pleased, but his new nickname stuck and we called him Smellery, Mallory, and just plain ol’ Smallery everafter.  Thus the rule – don’t give yourself a nickname.  See ya Monday, kids.  Signed – Dr. Messiah.

Thanksgiving is truly one of the greatest and most American holidays ever.  Think about it – it’s the only holiday where you eat until you nearly vomit and toss food in the trash, then follow it up by having the entire Friday off work to celebrate the excesses of capitalism by shopping all day.  USA!  USA!  USA!

My only problem is when I bitched one year about no stuffing.  My grandma, God bless her, took up my crusade and now I am cursed with 12 lbs. of dressing because the picky eaters in my family eat noodles and mashed potatoes only.  That stuff is good…once a year, not as a filler meal for a week.

Most of all it is a time to be thankful.  I am thankful for my awesomeness.  It is quite overwhelming.  I am thankful I am not a Cleveland Browns fan.  I feel outright sorry for them.  I am thankful that Skyrim came out just before my shortened work week, Busch Light is delicious, and Captain America: the First Avenger was good.  Oh and serious stuff too, but that’s not as funny…

I started the debate for OSU after a guy for Michigan bombed horribly (see yesterday’s post if you’re confused).  It went pretty well, bashing UM in front of a pro-Buckeye crowd is pretty easy.  I thought the Buckeye Guy would be there, but it was the Buckeyeman.  I said “Thank God, because they have such a different skill set to bring to the table.”  The joke, obviously, is that they are two guys that dress funny and go to games.

I also touched on the fact that UM’s alumni page actually lists the following alums – Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the Unabomber, and Herman Mudgett, America’s first serial killer with a PhD.  Harvard of the West, indeed.  I did lose points, though.  I said in reference to the Woody and Tressel look-a-likes that next year a Luke Fickell impersonator would be present, but it would actually be Luke Fickell, since he’ll be jobless.  Oops.  OSU won the debate, not surprisingly and I got free lunch and Bud Lights, so it’s a win.  Hopefully next year they move it to Friday, so I don’t have to take a vacation day for a free show.