Year: 2010

I have watched a ton of movies recently and here are my short, simple minded reviews.  The Hurt Locker – Roadside bombs are best handled by white trash psychos.  Inception – I need to do more drugs to write a good thriller action movie.  Also, DiCaprio movies are 70% likely to be good if he has facial hair; 30% if he doesn’t.  Kick Ass – 10 year old girls make better fighters cialis dosage than 17 year male nerds.  Machete – White people like to kill Hispanics crossing the border, until a 66 year grabs lawn care tools and murders for the common good.  (Is it racist that he smacked around people with a week wacker and lawn shears?  You be the judge.)  Bad Lieutenant – It had Nicholas Cage in it.  I can’t watch two Cage movies in the same year.  The Blankey by Future Friend Comedy – Chris Coen needed a bigger role.

I did a show several weeks ago where the motel I was put up in some dude two doors down was being cuffed and stuffed into a black SUV.  Tonight, the room I did was nearly cancelled b/c one of the bouncers got stabbed in the arm on Saturday.  Welcome to comedy.  I have had three people vomit during my set (not due to content, LOL), one onto the stage.  I had another show where the comic before got hit in the chest w/ a pitcher of beer, I hit stage with a fever of 102.  I believe that hope is for the weak.  I will be touring full time come hell or high water, but for God’s sake, it’s not a picnic.  If you want it, cialis trial offer take it…and dodge the pitchers and puke.  See you at the next gig!  Anyone else think they’re funny?

Anyone with a brain agrees the Imam has EVERY right to build this Islamic Center/Mosque.  If you don’t, you don’t believe in the Constitution.  However, building this in a building that was hit by the landing gear (2 blocks away) of a hijacked plane…9/11…not smart.  There’s a mosque 10 blocks away – not exactly a rape of the Bill of Rights.  I could get onstage and say the “N” word 50 times, that’s my right.  It’s also going to hold up in court as justified when some brother drags me offstage and pummels me back to the last stage of evolution.  In America, we can w0rship Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Zeus, Mother Earth, Corn Pops, or David Hasselhoff (or no one – yaaa meaninglis cialis pill splitter existence).  Yet I don’t have to migrate to Germany to make my Hajj to the altar of Hoff (I would though).  Let’s quit rambling about “rights” when we all agree on them.  Human deceny dumbasses.  We can all agree on 10 things.  1) America is greatest country ever.  2) Don’t f with people at funerals and death sites (You listening Westboro Baptists?) 3) Axl Rose dropped the ball on “Chinese Democracy” but he still rocks.  4)  Politicians are scumdicks who take turns twisting the same story to bone us over.  5)  Foreign films suck.  6)  Guys who wear striped shirts w/ plaid shorts are the 2010 version of popped collar guy.  7)  Beer is for fun, liquor is for depression.  8)  Mexican food is the greatest, unless made by white people.  9)  Money CAN buy happiness.  10)  Chris Coen is one funny sumbitch.  What were we talking about?

I went to a casino yesterday and was stunned by the level of white trash – it was like a bug zapper, which is itself white trash.  I was sitting next to a classy gentleman that had a sleeveless pocket T on with cialis generic no prescription a soft pack of Pall Malls tucked neatly inside.  His overly dry grey mullet was sloppily clipped, hanging from under his “I’d rather be bowhunting” ball cap.  Yet, most disturbing to me, was that he had a stack of hundreds that more or less represented my entire financial worth.  I am a college graduate and here this guy is giving all my teachers and professors the virtual middle finger, “Take that, education!  I got me $1000.”  I don’t know whether to be depressed or start selling Oxycontin.

I just MC’d the Columbus Funny Bone.  I had the greatest line and most cialis manufacturer offensive line ever.  My good friend Dean Masello, a half Jew, did a great bit about his 70 year old in the closet neighbor trying to seduce him via wine to see his New Wave Oven (which cooks a frozen turkey in 20 mins).  I grabbed the mike and said “God damn, how come you Jews will buy any line to get in front of an oven?”  I know it’s awful, but it was funny.  If we can’t laugh about our pasts, we can’t laugh about anything – and that was funny as hell.  The show went great and thanks to everyone who doesn’t let PC BS rule their lives.

I went on a date last week and amazingly, it went half way well.  Then as we talked, she saw my comedy and sent me a text barrage that said I was too “silly” and it might affect her career.  I responded, “Did you at least like my comedy?”  I may suck as a human, but God bless it I make people laugh.  Hit the bricks, toots!  I still have booze and a generic cialis cheap dog.  What more do you want?